Really.
I've had friends move out of my life a lot over these last 12 years in Springburgvegas. I've often said this town is not a place where people come to stay. It's where people go on their way to somewhere else.
This is a bad place to live when you have abandonment issues. Or, maybe it's the best place. What better way to overcome the worst fear you have then to have it in your face continually? One of two things is bound to happen. You'll run screaming for the hills, or you'll eventually face the fear.
The last time I really had to face it in a significant way I did it horribly bad. My insecurity and pain over losing people in my life caused me to hurt them badly, and push them away. I lost friends who I love still. We run into each other occasionally, and we're friends on FB, but it's never been the same.
After that, I declared never again. I went to counseling. I started facing my fears. I learned to be content with where I am and who I am. I learned I am worthy to be loved, and to know unconditional love--experienced it not just in my relationship with God, but lived it in the birth of my nephew. I learned to realize losing proximity doesn't have to mean losing relationship. I learned to be a better communicator, and to deal with expectations.
I've been more cautious than I used to be about letting people in, but I've done it.
And now...
Oh, this is the crucible. The big test. I am literally surrounded with goodbyes right now.
There's a couple, J& K, at my church, moving halfway across the country to do a church plant. They are dearly loved by the people at church and the happy-for-them/sad-to-say-goodbye feeling within the group is potent. Even I feel it, short a time as I've known them. I feel robbed that I haven't had more time to get to know them, because I can tell they are my kind of people. I truly enjoy them. We would have been great friends and ministry partners. Early on I told myself not get too close to them or spend much time getting to know them, because they were leaving. And then I kicked myself (Not literally, though I should have, maybe). Even the short time that I have to know them is worth the investment, and that distance doesn't mean I can still be friends.
There is a goodbye with the VV family. Dear friends who took me in this winter when my living situation got crazy. I love them like family. I (hopefully/likely) move into my own place in a couple weeks. There, too, since I started looking for a place in February, I began distancing myself from them in anticipation of the pain of leaving. Silly as it sounds I even did it to the dog, Charlie!! I used to let him out of his kennel so he could come hang out with me during the day when I was home. Then one day, I just stopped. Thankfully someone called me on it, and reminded me that relationships are always worth investing into.
Ay-yi-yi-yi, talk about goodbyes! I have a whole host of goodbyes at work--4 of them, all within about 2 weeks of each other. So much change. The very culture of my workplace is likely to change, since one of those leaving is the store manager. I swallow a huge lump in my throat every time I think about it.
The worst and hardest goodbye is D, who has been one of my closest friends and confidants for the last year. Its stunning to me to discover just how much his friendship has come to mean to me over the last year. Losing the day-to-day connection with someone who really sees me--I really can't put it into words. Thankfully, I've had a few months to mentally prepare. There have been many moments when I am somewhat pragmatic and even peaceful about it. And most of the time I am so happy for and proud of him. But there have also been stunning moments where a wave of sadness or fear or pain comes so strong its hard to breathe. Maybe I'll be able to write more about that later, but right now, if I don't stop, these tears streaming down my face will flood this netbook.And soon D won't be here to help me fix stuff--one of his many talents.
Ironically, K, one of the church friends leaving, preached a sermon not that long ago about dealing with regrets. I really hope they put it online. I'd like to listen to it again and pass it on. There are very few things in my life that I regret. But the most prominent has been how I've handled goodbyes in the past. When K preached, I already knew about D leaving, and my own move, and even some potential for what was to come at work. I was so thankful that K spoke about her own regrets and the painful lessons she learned. What she reminded me is that I need to forgive myself, and accept God's forgiveness, for what I did badly in the past, and embrace God's strength to do it right.
And I want to. I so badly want to come out on the other side of all these goodbyes knowing that I've loved these people to the best and fullest of my ability. I want them to leave feeling nothing but thankful for the time we've had and the friends we've been to each other. I want to be brave and strong and, if not stoic, at least not an emotional hot mess. I want to turn the calendar to September and know that even though August was painful, that it wasn't the end of the world. I want to see new seasons where friendship doesn't die with distance, but instead takes on new dimensions.
So I choose.
In the middle of the night when I can't sleep, I choose to think about what I am thankful for, instead of what I am losing.
I choose to believe people aren't disappearing from my life for good, despite deep fears to the contrary.
I choose to smile in their presence and cry on the shoulders of people who are sticking around for at least a while longer.
I choose to invest into the many wonderful new friends who've entered my life as of late.
I choose not to build walls to protect myself.
I choose to confront my fear and speak truth to it.
I choose not to run, not to hide, and not to lash out.
I choose to dig into prayer and the Word and seek strength and healing from the Lord.
I let myself cry it out when I feel the sadness, but I choose not to indulge in self-pity.
I choose to make the most of every opportunity to spend time with and enjoy people I care about and not to shut them out.
I choose to find ways to love people even when miles separate.
I choose to be intentional about my friends. The ones here and the ones there. Wherever there is.
I choose to love with open hands rather than defiant, tightly closed fists.
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