In Summation...

I've been intentionally silent for a while now. I didn't forget to blog. I even have several drafts that I've written and then didn't publish. But life the last several weeks had so much to it that I couldn't really put it out there. I needed time to process and sift the feelings from the truths. It was all I could do on some days just to hold myself together, let alone put into words what has been happening. But some summations are perhaps in order. I hope to maybe develop these a bit further in posts, but in case you won't have time for those, or I don't get to them, here are the bullet points:

I applied for a promotion at work, and didn't get it. After working through the initial emotions of disappointment, and in the weeks since then, I have to be honest, I am glad I didn't get it. The extra money would have been nice, and I did have to mourn some daydreams of independent living and financial freedoms I had. But when it's all said and done, it's right. The timing, the added stress, the parts of it that are completely outside of my skill sets,the major culture shift at work, and the things going on in my personal life, all of it adds up to a girl who is relieved that she is not in the midst of training and starting a new position right now.

I'm still without a living situation. I'm looking for a situation still, have many feelers out, trying to find the right thing. I've started to wonder if the doors keep closing because I am looking in the wrong place or if it's just the wrong time. Honestly, it feels like the time is way overdue.

I said all my goodbyes. I wrote a post about the many goodbyes I was facing, and how historically bad  at goodbyes I've been. I ended up having several more goodbyes than I anticipated in that original post. And I have to tell you, there has been a 4-week period of pure YUCK at it relates to goodbye. I need to do a fuller post on this another time, but the short version is, all the goodbyes are finally over, and I feel like this time I can say I have no regrets. I said goodbye well and I managed not to blow up any friendships prematurely or hurt anyone along the way. I'm still working through how to be friends from far away with some of them, but if for some reason any of those friends and I lose touch and become little more than Facebook acquaintances, I know at least that there is no baggage. We did goodbye well. That is a major accomplishment, and I'm a little proud of it, I have to say.

It's all been shifting sand. You may notice a theme in the above as it regards events of my life these last two months. It's generally one of knocking on doors and them not opening, a sense of losing rather than gaining. There's a general feeling of instability to my life, one that's been present in some form or another for a good long while now, but seems to be really "in my face" at the moment. I said in another blog post, and again recently in a prayer gathering, I just feel like everything around me is shifting sand at the moment. It's a hard place to be in, and it feels like I've been here for oh, so very long. I crave, I long for some solid footings--for an end to all the changes and the lack of control it feels like I currently have over things happening in my life. But as I keep seeking, I am trying to remember that when all around is shifting sand, I find my footing on the firm foundation of God. About a month ago I posted Psalm 62. It remains the Scripture I am clinging to, particularly this part:

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; 
    my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge. 
Trust in him at all times, you people; 
    pour out your hearts to him, 
    for God is our refuge.