Singleness and Holidays

I was asking a friend the other day about her new year's eve plans. Like me, she's single, and her response was, "I don't celebrate it, it's just another day." She's been invited to parties, but she doesn't want to go, because she's single, and the loneliness of her singlehood is highlighted in moments like that.

I have compassion and empathy for that idea... Holidays are a hard time to be single. It definitely puts a spotlight on your status, and can make it feel like a very lonely time. I've been there. I'm not anymore, and haven't been for some time. In fact, I stubbornly refuse to be sidelined at joyous occasions simply because, in the eyes of the world, I am alone. I'm thankful I have a circle of friends who are fairly mindful of single people, and are intentional about making room for them in their lives as couples.

I don't like it how the world defines happiness, I vehemently disagree with the premise that you can only be happy in a relationship. In fact, sometimes, that is completely UNtrue--some of the most miserable people I have seen are people who choose to stay in bad relationships, simply because they are afraid to be alone.

I think the truth is that you can't be truly "happy" unless you can be happy with yourself first. Sure, loneliness happens to everyone, we all need people. But there is something really great to be said for being able to enjoy your own company, too.

No one person can fulfill all my relational needs. I have different friends for different reasons... I like the list in "6 Friends Every Girl Needs," though I can probably think of a few additional categories. I think one of the most ill-informed, corny lines in a movie--EVER--is "You complete me." Hog wash! Malarkey! A relationship can only be healthy if the two people entering it are whole and healthy on their own. Truth be told, there are various aspects of my life that make me complete. At this stage of my life, a guy might enhance, augment, improve it. But he definitely would not complete me.

I didn't always have this outlook. For years I wrestled. I've prayed many times "God, if I can serve you better as a single person than I can as a married one, I will do it, I will submit my will to Yours. My heart really wants to find someone and get married, so please help me reconcile my desires with what you want for me." As I've grown older, I've not closed the door on the potential or the possibility. I've even been in love, been loved back, and come close to marriage (at least, I thought so at the time). But I've made peace with the fact that not everyone does get married, but that does not mean a fulfilling life cannot be had.

In fact, as Paul writes, single people can serve God in ways married people cannot, because we don't have to be concerned about pleasing not just God, but a significant other, too. For this reason, I try to take advantage of my singleness by blessing people with my time. I am well aware that I have availability more so than my married counterparts, so my use of my time becomes my ministry.

Finding this place of contentment/peace with who I am and where I am in my life has not come easily. It has been hard work--sometimes, REALLY hard. It means deliberately choosing my thoughts sometimes. It sometimes (depending on my frame of mind) means avoiding chick flicks and sappy love songs that make me start to feel discontentment. It means reaching out to friends when I need to talk or need company. It means dealing with the pressures and problems of  life on my own. It means tearfully kneeling before the Father and submitting my desires, over and over again. Sometimes it means embracing and and learning to sit with my pain and loneliness, and to avoid running from it. But those moments pass, and life as a whole is full and rich and incredibly beautiful.

So, tonight, I will gather with friends, almost all of whom will be "attached" in one form or another. And when midnight strikes, for a brief moment, as everyone around me ushers in 2012 with a smooch, I might be sad that there will be no kissing for me, and that 2013 begins with me as a single girl--still. But I'll hug the necks of the people around me, and be exceedingly grateful for all the blessings this year has brought, with hope in my heart for what is yet to come. That may or may not include a person to accompany me down the road, but even if it doesn't, it's been good year, and that makes for a good start.

Solid Ground--An Update

So, is anyone still there?

I know I disappeared for a while. Truth be told, disappearances like that are generally an accurate indicator of major things going on in my life that I don't feel free to write about out.. Turns out I am not so good at talking about stuff that doesn't matter when I am consumed by what is mattering to me at the moment.

But, the waters have calmed some, and I am happy to say I've actually been enjoying a modicum of stability *GASP!* SOLID GROUND has been FOUND!! I can happen to me!

Since my last postings, back in August:

I found a place and a roommate, rather by accident/divine appointment. So I moved again. But hopefully, it will stick this time, at least for a bit. It has turned out to be a lovely arrangement. I am a mile from work, and 2 miles from church, and since Thanksgiving I think I have only filled up my car's gas tank twice. Though no situation is without it's issues, so far, the issues are working out, and there is so much more that's been good than bad. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed unpacking boxes, some of which I had not seen the contents of in well over a year. It's been fun settling in, though I still can't remember where everything is, and I spend a lot of time opening cabinets trying to remember where I put that.... Then, just barely two weeks after moving....

I spent a month in NY! My mom retired after 25 years with the Dutchess County Dept. of Mental Hygiene. Dan threw a lovely party for her, and my family where all there. I stayed on and worked at a NY Starbucks via the "borrowed partner" program, and helped my mom clean out her house a little. Eventually we hope to see her move to Florida, and the process begins with getting the house in order. It was a little surreal, in that what I was doing was much like what people do when a person dies, but I got to have my mom with me. I heard lots of stories, and brought back to Missouri many of our family "heirlooms." It was a gift.

While I was home I also lived through Hurricane Sandy, and a nor'easter snow storm, saw some great old friends from childhood and my youth group days, spent time with my dad, and drove halfway across the country, twice. I hope I will retroactively blog about some of that, but suffice it to say, the time was full, and rich and I am so glad I got to do that.

When I came back from NY, the holidays were bearing down upon us, and it's been a flurry of activity, work, freelance, and a special new project I will blog about in the future (that one is a promise!).

And now another new year is almost upon us. I remember last year, a new year, not knowing what it would hold, or what my life would look like, so much uncertainty and stress for me. And now, a year later, so, so, so, soooooo much is different. Virtually every aspect of my life has changed, and mostly, for the better. I am so thankful, so grateful. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I'm feeling parts of me coming back that I haven't felt in years. I laugh more. I sleep WAY better.I cook more. And, look! I'm even blogging again! Life is balancing a little.

Solid ground feels great.

Thank God.