Verbal Van Goghs

Did you know I love Van Gogh? It's true. I have for years. I can stare at his paintings for hours, and not  just the ones everyone likes, like Starry Night. Don't get me wrong, I do especially love that one. But he had so many great works, and Starry Night gets a lot more credit than the others do sometime.

But it turns out, Van Gogh could turn a phrase as beautifully as he could a paintbrush. I was astonished to learn this recently, when a friend posted a quote of his on Facebook. It was this:

"I often think that the night is more alive and richly colored than the day."

Starry Night Over The Rhone

Maybe exactly not the most stunning sentence one has ever uttered, but one that made me say "YES! YES! I know that feeling exactly!" Oh, how I love the nighttime sky, I spend hours drinking in the stars. If you're familiar with his work, the fact that he would say this is hardly surprising, either. But being the skeptic that I can sometimes be, I decided to Google and find out if he had actually said it. Turns out, that quote is indeed from him.

The Iris

And this is how I discovered an amazing treasure trove of quotes from VVG. In reading his words, I felt that he might have been a kindred spirit. I'm surely not an artist, though I wish I were. Looking at the beauty in nature makes me ache sometimes, and I longingly wish I could wield paints and brushes and make nature come alive on a canvas under the power of my hands. Perhaps that is why I usually have camera in hand while hiking, and I usually come home with literally hundreds of photographs each time.

Though artist I may not be, it seems that VVG and I thought a lot a like in some ways, about nature, and beauty, and God, and life, and people, and love. Here are a few of the ones I felt most, brought to you by the fine folks at BrainyQuote.com:

As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.

But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things.

The Little Stream

Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again.

Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.

I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God's help I shall succeed.

I experience a period of frightening clarity in those moments when nature is so beautiful. I am no longer sure of myself, and the paintings appear as in a dream.

If one is master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at the same time, insight into and understanding of many things.

Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way.

One must work and dare if one really wants to live.

Poetry surrounds us everywhere, but putting it on paper is, alas, not so easy as looking at it.

The Sower

The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.

There is no blue without yellow and without orange.

The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.

 When I have a terrible need of - shall I say the word - religion. Then I go out and paint the stars.

Starry Night

For my part I know nothing with any certainty,

but the sight of the stars makes me dream. 

I'm not sure how I've gone through life this long and not known this aspect of VVG. I'm feeling a little "ignant," and simultaneously awed and excited to discover more. I think VVG would know exactly what I mean.

Rumination on Roux

Last night the people I work with were talking about food, and since by coincidence, we all happen to work together again tonight, we decided to each make a dish and have a spontaneous potluck tonight.

So today I made my mac and cheese, with it's own strange ingredient--spicy brown mustard. (Don't knock it until you've tried it, because it's pretty awesome.)

Anyway, I have been somewhat introspective of late, and following that trend, my time at the stove today seemed like an object lesson.

The key to this mac and cheese, and probably most mac and cheese dishes, is the roux. Classically, roux is the mixture of butter (or other fats) and flour which becomes a thickening agent for sauces. In this particular mac and cheese, the roux also has the mustard. At first when you  butter and flour stir, adding milk a little at a time, it doesn't seem like it should work. It doesn't appear to mix very well. It looks lumpy.and you have to constantly stir, to keep it from staying lumpy. It's not one of those things where you can throw the ingredients in a pot and walk away.

Then there is this magical moment when the right temperature is reached, the butter is melted, the flour incorporated, the mustard combines, and the mixture suddenly changes from separate ingredients spinning around together in the pot, to one cohesive roux. It is almost unexpected, you start to see the change, and then, voila! It's suddenly roux! Smooth, and consistent and ready for the cheese.

In my contempative state, I though of roux as metaphor for the patience I've been praying for. All the ingredients can spin together in the right spot. But it takes two things for everything to come together. I have to keep stirring--in this case that will be my metaphor for praying and seeking things out. I can't just throw it all in the pot and wait for it to work out. There is an element of work that I have to put in. Praying, seeking God, following His direction, trying doors of opportunity as I find them.  


BUT....It's not all up to me, either. There is a bit of having to wait on God, for the moment to be the right moment. When all the components have reached the right conditions, it will suddenly fall into place. If it all depended on me and my abilities and resources, then first of all, it would all be a big mess, because unlike God, I can't see the beginning from the end. Plus, there's that whole human fallibility thing, we humans tend to screw things up when we rely on ourselves instead of Him. But because the situations I am waiting on need God's miracles, then when it does all come together, He will get the glory for it, and because He is all wisdom, it will be far better than anything I could come up with, anyway. I know I will look back on all of it and say, "Of course! It had to happen this way!" Maybe all the mess looks a little lumpy and impossible to me right now. But when conditions are right, voila! It will all fall into place. 


I don't know. Maybe this is reaching. Maybe these lessons are a lot to draw from two cups of roux. But, I'm feeling encouraged today, and I'll take that where I can get it. If you found this post to be a bit cheesy for your taste, just wait until you try the mac and cheese.

Our Potluck Dinner At Work

PS... Friends on Facebook frequently post scriptures throughout the day... These where the ones posted today. Timely and encouraging, and part of what inspired today's post.

Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD. http://bible.us/Ps27.14.NLT Read the whole Psalm. It's awesome.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jer 29:13

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:10-11 MSG

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Ps 42:11

Drops

After a couple days off the interwebs, I've been doing a lot of reading and catching up on stuff I missed. I'm not in the mood today for a thoughtful post, but I thought I'd share a some of the interesting things I read today, in case any of it might interest someone else.

Good Bye, Nora Ephron. I'll always be especially grateful for You've Got Mail, but also, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, and others.

Extensive explanation of what tomorrow's Supreme Court ruling on Health Care will mean While the intended audience of this piece is for this is for journalists, in order to help them cover the story and all it's angles and ramifications, it's probably the most comprehensive and informative thing on the subject I've seen yet.

Speaking of journalism, there's an interesting piece on how "scandal stories" develop during slow-news cycles. I hope lots of newsmakers read this and think twice before they blow stuff up... (I'm looking at you, Nancy Grace).

Analyzing Egypt's election. Muslim Brotherhood party candidate won in a runoff. Why is that interesting? From the article:

Egypt's military leaders confirmed on Sunday that Mohamed Morsi of the once-outlawed Muslim Brotherhood had won the country's first competitive presidential election. Tens of thousands of Egyptians celebrated in Tahrir Square, with fireworks exploding overhead. Morsi, honoring a campaign promise, promptly resigned from the Brotherhood and called for unity....

Good grief! This article on the debate "Why Women Can't Have it All" is really, really long. I'm still not sure where I stand on all this.

It's not just how many calories you eat, it's what kind (shared by a church friend)

FB Changed your email address on your page, without you knowing it. Here's how to change it back. Bad Facebook.

Enough of the heavy stuff.... Here's something lighter that I enjoyed.
I'm Farming and I Grow It:

Heart Condition

I spent the last two and a half days unplugged from the computer, the phone, and from people in order to spend some time digging deep with God.

"Silence is the room we create for the searching of God, where we hear His voice and follow." ~Mark Buchanan, Your God is Too Safe

God met me. I had hoped for direction and wisdom about the next steps I should be taking with my future. But the thing I forget about God is that he's much more concerned about the condition of my heart than he is about the externals. And so the time I had hoped would produce some kernels of direction for "outward" things like job, living space, finances was instead an internal renovation of my heart.

Astonishing and unexpected--God chose to work a miracle of healing, not of anything physical, but something I needed so much more. He restored my heart's ability to trust Him. For a good many years now I've wrestled with the tension between God's Sovereignty and the Bible's various teaching on prayer, healing, provision etc. I've never doubted God's ability to provide or help. But I have wrestled with the question, "Will He?"

There will be a much fuller post to develop that idea when I have had some time to process the last couple days.

But suffice it to say, when you spend several years unsure of the "if;" unsure if God will come through, if he will provide, if he will heal, it takes it's toll. Slowly, over time, as that question eroded my trust, I distanced myself from God in ways I wasn't even seeing. I could barely even be grateful for the blessings he was giving me, because I couldn't really trust they would be solid.

I found this song this weekend, while looking for another one. I'd post a video, but the only one I found was pretty silly and distracting from the song itself. So just read the lyrics instead:

Lord I fall so short

And I need Your grace

I feel so tired inside

I feel so far away

 Desperately I seek

The love that pardons me

My lips will sing the praise

Of Your sacrifice for me

And grace, sweet grace

Though from You I have wandered

So far away

You pour on me Your shower of grace

So I look up to the sky

The world that You have made

I'll offer You my life

I'll offer You my praise

(And) I'll sing Hallelujah for You are

You are my saving grace

That was me. Tired on the inside, feeling far away from God.

And that is the part of these last two days that was surprising, but wonderful. God has done something in my heart, and healed that broken place that didn't think I could trust Him. Now I know that he isn't just working for my ultimate good, he's also good here and now, even when I don't understand.

I didn't get what I came for. I still don't have direction, I have no clue what the future holds. But for now, that's OK. I cognitively have concerns of course, but my heart is at rest. I haven't been able to say that for so long. What I received was far superior, and so much more than anything I could have hoped for. Thank you, Lord.

 Let the morning bring word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Psalm 143:8

Whining About Manna

My life has lacked stability for quite some time. Maybe you know the details, but allow me to share the "bullet points," or highlights, if you will...

• It began with compassion fatigue/burnout/depression
• That led to my leaving my job (and benefits) with a disaster relief group
• And it contributed to (but not the main cause of) the death of a relationship, painful and messy and gut-wrenching.
• I drove a crazy bucket-of-bolts car, falling apart, piece by piece...
• ....While I was driving to Branson 4 days a week, to work in an underpaying commission/retail job selling quilts
• Then I experienced layoff thanks to the economy and unemployment for 5 months
• Followed by part-time employment, with a tiny small spark of the beginnings of a freelance career
• I stepped down from a ministry that had been my passion and heart for several years
• And left a church home I had been a part of and invested in for 10 years, causing disconnection from what has really been my family-away-from-family
• Over that 4 year period there have been 8 moves, three of which happened just last year.
• I'm not even going to mention the family stuff that went on  in that period.

In all the tangibles, and some of the intangibles, my life was gutted, taken right down to the studs.

For the last two years, I have literally depended upon God's miraculous provision, and He has provided. Somehow, despite the fact that I made a combined total  of  less than $11,000 for all of 2011 (unemployment, freelance and coffee job income), I paid a couple thousand on my school loans, put a couple thousand into car repairs, and somehow, I ate, had gas in my car and a roof over my head every day. THAT. Is. A. MIRACLE!

There has been a part of me that thinks it would be lovely if someday I didn't have to depend on miracles. I said as much to God the other day.

Well, let me be a little more honest. I was whining. I was mentally tired, and discouraged by the lack of prospects I was seeing for a living situation. I was in the car (my nice, fancy, stable, FREE car that I just got), and I was having a moment. It went like this:

"God, I am so tired of having to figure this out. I just wish my life could be stable for a little while. I am so tired of having to depend on you to come through with a miracle. I'm tired of the chaos. I just want to be stable for a while."

And in the silence of the car, I think God sassed me! Immediately to my mind came a picture of the Israelites wandering the desert, with squeaky, whiny voices, "Be we don't WANT manna anymore! We're tired of manna! Give us quail!"

Touche God. Touche.

Yes. I would love some stability. However.


How many missionary biographies have I read, breathlessly yearning to live the life of faith and adventure they seemed to have? How many times have I told God that my life was His to do with as He pleased, that however best He could receive glory, that was how I wanted to be used?


People around me who don't know God are seeing miraculous things happening in my life, things that really can't be explained by anything other than divine provision, and I'm whining that I have to depend on miracles?? 

In all probability, I will someday have a stable life again, and I will look back on this time period with fondness and nostalgia, and maybe even whimsy. I'll miss the days when I had to trust for literally everything, and I will wonder why I didn't trust Him more.

And, truth be told, "stable" is relative. Things are for sure steadier now than any other time in the last two years.Now I have a great car. I've found a new church home which has been incredibly healing and wonderful. I've gotten more hours at one job and more clients at the other, and income this year compared to last year is much improved. I'm making inroads on a living situation--just the fact that I can afford to think about living on my own is somewhat momentous. God has done much to heal the broken places on the inside. Renovation may not be completely over, but at least I can see progress.

I guess manna isn't so bad after all.

To Know and Be Known

Writers must write. For weeks I've been trying to build my professional blog, the one I will use to help clients understand what kind of work I can do. But I keep bumping into the fact that I need a forum where I can just write, too. I need a place where I can process the ideas in my head that aren't necessarily the things you want to share with clients who need to feel like the person they are hiring is stable, professional, together, etc.

Thus, the Kaleidoscope Portrait is born. This is where I get to be me, to express myself through my finger tips. I've noticed that whenever I need to tell someone something important, I usually do a better job writing or texting it, rather than speaking. So I expect that this blog will be a nursery for the important thinks that I think and the feels that I feel.

A little bit about the name. I once had a mentor describe me as a kaleidoscope. She said that while I am very transparent, and very colorful,  just when you think you grasp the picture, if you shift the angle ever so slightly, a whole new picture emerges that you didn't see before. I've treasured that word picture for many years now, because it does a good job of describing how I feel about me--transparent, colorful, complex, made of up many pieces, full of new things to discover. There was no small amount of wonder in me that someone else could see it too.

I unintentionally walk through life assuming I'm somewhat invisible. I know I make some impact in the lives of my friends. I realize there are people who love me. But I really don't assume the people pay much attention to me. I highly value transparency, because I truly believe it is the most effective way to connect with and minister to others. Paradoxically, I really don't expect people to really notice me. Life is busy and all-consuming. Everyone has their own issues and cares, what would make mine worth the limited energy and time and resources of another person? That is the mystery of love and friendship.When someone says or does something that demonstrates that they see you--that they really *see* you--it's powerful. It's wonderful, and comforting, and scary, and awesome, all at the same time. 


The Bible teaches that we're created with the desire to know and be known. My hunger to know others is pretty insatiable. I hold myself back from peppering people with questions, for fear they will be freaked out. I want to know the story that makes a person who they are! It makes me laugh that being known is somewhat scary to me, considering how much I desire to know others. I am nothing if not a walking contradiction when it comes to that.

I may get readers who don't actually know me in real life, but for the most part, if you read this, it's probably because you're already in my life in some form. It's my guess that the people who read this blog will come to see aspects of me that they may not have known before. The beauty of a kaleidoscope can really only be seen when light is shining through it. It's my sincere prayer that the Light of God's love will shine through this blog. I hope you get to know things not just about me, but about yourself, and most importantly about God, too, for truly, no matter who else sees or doesn't see us in this life, to Him we are fully known, and He longs for us to fully know Him, too. I hope this kaleidoscope if ideas and thoughts creates a mirror that helps you see yourself life more clearly, and to see yourself as He sees you. Thanks for reading.




Check out this video.... I could watch these for hours.