Heart Condition

I spent the last two and a half days unplugged from the computer, the phone, and from people in order to spend some time digging deep with God.

"Silence is the room we create for the searching of God, where we hear His voice and follow." ~Mark Buchanan, Your God is Too Safe

God met me. I had hoped for direction and wisdom about the next steps I should be taking with my future. But the thing I forget about God is that he's much more concerned about the condition of my heart than he is about the externals. And so the time I had hoped would produce some kernels of direction for "outward" things like job, living space, finances was instead an internal renovation of my heart.

Astonishing and unexpected--God chose to work a miracle of healing, not of anything physical, but something I needed so much more. He restored my heart's ability to trust Him. For a good many years now I've wrestled with the tension between God's Sovereignty and the Bible's various teaching on prayer, healing, provision etc. I've never doubted God's ability to provide or help. But I have wrestled with the question, "Will He?"

There will be a much fuller post to develop that idea when I have had some time to process the last couple days.

But suffice it to say, when you spend several years unsure of the "if;" unsure if God will come through, if he will provide, if he will heal, it takes it's toll. Slowly, over time, as that question eroded my trust, I distanced myself from God in ways I wasn't even seeing. I could barely even be grateful for the blessings he was giving me, because I couldn't really trust they would be solid.

I found this song this weekend, while looking for another one. I'd post a video, but the only one I found was pretty silly and distracting from the song itself. So just read the lyrics instead:

Lord I fall so short

And I need Your grace

I feel so tired inside

I feel so far away

 Desperately I seek

The love that pardons me

My lips will sing the praise

Of Your sacrifice for me

And grace, sweet grace

Though from You I have wandered

So far away

You pour on me Your shower of grace

So I look up to the sky

The world that You have made

I'll offer You my life

I'll offer You my praise

(And) I'll sing Hallelujah for You are

You are my saving grace

That was me. Tired on the inside, feeling far away from God.

And that is the part of these last two days that was surprising, but wonderful. God has done something in my heart, and healed that broken place that didn't think I could trust Him. Now I know that he isn't just working for my ultimate good, he's also good here and now, even when I don't understand.

I didn't get what I came for. I still don't have direction, I have no clue what the future holds. But for now, that's OK. I cognitively have concerns of course, but my heart is at rest. I haven't been able to say that for so long. What I received was far superior, and so much more than anything I could have hoped for. Thank you, Lord.

 Let the morning bring word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Psalm 143:8