- It began with compassion fatigue/burnout/depression
- That led to my leaving my job (and benefits) with a disaster relief group
- And it contributed to (but not the main cause of) the death of a relationship, painful and messy and gut-wrenching.
- I drove a crazy bucket-of-bolts car, falling apart, piece by piece...
- ....While I was driving to Branson 4 days a week, to work in an underpaying commission/retail job selling quilts
- Then I experienced layoff thanks to the economy and unemployment for 5 months
- Followed by part-time employment, with a tiny small spark of the beginnings of a freelance career
- I stepped down from a ministry that had been my passion and heart for several years
- And left a church home I had been a part of and invested in for 10 years, causing disconnection from what has really been my family-away-from-family
- Over that 4 year period there have been 8 moves, three of which happened just last year.
- I'm not even going to mention the family stuff that went on in that period.
In all the tangibles, and some of the intangibles, my life was gutted, taken right down to the studs.
For the last two years, I have literally depended upon God's miraculous provision, and He has provided. Somehow, despite the fact that I made a combined total of less than $11,000 for all of 2011 (unemployment, freelance and coffee job income), I paid a couple thousand on my school loans, put a couple thousand into car repairs, and somehow, I ate, had gas in my car and a roof over my head every day. THAT. Is. A. MIRACLE!
There has been a part of me that thinks it would be lovely if someday I didn't have to depend on miracles. I said as much to God the other day.
Well, let me be a little more honest. I was whining. I was mentally tired, and discouraged by the lack of prospects I was seeing for a living situation. I was in the car (my nice, fancy, stable, FREE car that I just got), and I was having a moment. It went like this:
"God, I am so tired of having to figure this out. I just wish my life could be stable for a little while. I am so tired of having to depend on you to come through with a miracle. I'm tired of the chaos. I just want to be stable for a while."
And in the silence of the car, I think God sassed me! Immediately to my mind came a picture of the Israelites wandering the desert, with squeaky, whiny voices, "Be we don't WANT manna anymore! We're tired of manna! Give us quail!"
Touche God. Touche.
Yes. I would love some stability. However.
How many missionary biographies have I read, breathlessly yearning to live the life of faith and adventure they seemed to have? How many times have I told God that my life was His to do with as He pleased, that however best He could receive glory, that was how I wanted to be used?
In all probability, I will someday have a stable life again, and I will look back on this time period with fondness and nostalgia, and maybe even whimsy. I'll miss the days when I had to trust for literally everything, and I will wonder why I didn't trust Him more.
And, truth be told, "stable" is relative. Things are for sure steadier now than any other time in the last two years.Now I have a great car. I've found a new church home which has been incredibly healing and wonderful. I've gotten more hours at one job and more clients at the other, and income this year compared to last year is much improved. I'm making inroads on a living situation--just the fact that I can afford to think about living on my own is somewhat momentous. God has done much to heal the broken places on the inside. Renovation may not be completely over, but at least I can see progress.
I guess manna isn't so bad after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment