Pushes and Put Offs

Today was that day where I got stuff done; little stuff that I always put off.

• Fixed the clog in the bathtub
• Dealt a death blow to the ant army in my living space
• Took a house-sitting job
• Cleaned out the refrigerator
• Packed up my winter clothes (I know. It's June. July. I know.)
• Bought a jug to make ice coffee in
• Figured out the right ratio of coffee/water for ice coffee in a pour-over filter

For some reason, taking care of the little stuff like that makes me feel more powerful. Did you hear me rawr just now? Well, I did. Just imagine it if you have to. It was pretty fierce.

There's some big things on my plate this week. I tend to procrastinate and stall on these bigger things. It's not so much laziness as it is being intimidated by stuff that I don't know, which when you boil it down to basics, is fear of the unknown. It makes me freeze up, so I habitually ignore stuff and push it out of my mind until I work up enough chutzpah to deal. I wish I didn't have that problem. I used to hate that about me. It can turn things into big messes. But it's as much a part of who I am as my curly hair and my way with words.

Turns out, the best way to get over that is to have people who know and push me past the fear. 


Example.


A couple months ago, I had a ticket for my expired car tags. Really, it was a miracle that it had been my first one, since the tags were nearly a year overdue at that point (another thing I kept putting off... for a lot of reasons). But when the court date came around, I unexpectedly had to work and missed court. A bench warrant was issued. I didn't even know it at the time, but I was pretty close to being pulled over, which subsequently would have meant I would have been arrested. It was really, really close. So I told my BFF, L, about it. We kinda joked that she should keep her phone handy in case something happened and I needed to be bailed out. But I was scared to go to court, because I had no clue what would happen. So, I kept putting it off.

Days later she texted me and basically said, "Today would be a great day for you to take care of that ticket. Having to keep my phone nearby at all times is stressing me out." So I did. I needed her push to get me past my fear of the unknown. It helped a ton to know that even if the worst happened, she'd be there to bail me out. In the end, it turned out to be seriously no big deal. 
I paid a fine. 
That's it. 


The stress and worry I could have saved her and myself both!! Oy! When will a learn? But I did learn something from the experience.

A few years ago, I'd never have told her about it. I would have hidden it, as I [unsuccessfully] hid[e] all my flaws. I certainly would never have blogged about it.. Flaws in my mind were something to be ashamed of, things to be hidden.


But as I come to accept myself, I've come to realize I can't fix the broken stuff if I don't acknowledge it's existence. I've also learned that people can still love me, even if I have flaws. L didn't think less of me because I was a fugitive from the law. She was willing to be the person to bail me out if needed, but my outlaw status didn't change how she saw me. But she also loved me enough to push me to fix what was in my power to fix, and was willing to be there to help me deal with the consequences, whatever those might be.


I need people in my life, people who love me, who accept me as I am and yet will push me to be better and do better. When I hide my flaws, I isolate myself from others. But when I openly acknowledge them, I am empowered to change them. It also emboldens others to be open out their own flaws and fears. But more than that, I need--we all need--grace-filled people who are there with us through it, and after it to pick up the pieces. That's the kind of friend I need, but more importantly, the kind of friend I want to be.