Complimentary

In my previous post, I shared some hopes for 2013, ways I want to make the world a little better. Already I had the opportunity to do a few.

"Idle words are characterless and die upon utterance. Evil words rankle for a while, make contentions, and then die. But the hopeful, kind, cheering word sinks into a man’s heart and goes on bearing fruit forever. How many beautiful written words—words in book and song and story—are still inspiring men and making the world fragrant with their beauty! It is just so with the words you write, not on paper, but on the hearts of men."
The Enlargement of Life (1903) By Frederick Henry Lynch

GOAL: Compliment someone I have a hard time complimenting… and mean it.
So, without mentioning anyone by name, I have to be in regular contact with someone who has a unique ability to irritate the FIRE out of me like almost no one else. Last week, I observed him for a moment interacting with a person who was being incredibly difficult. In a moment of Zen-like clarity, I was able to truly appreciate that, as annoyed as I can get, he has two qualities I wish I had--incredible amounts of patience and an innate gentleness in dealing with people. And in the realization of those qualities, my appreciation for him grew. Then, I remembered my goals, so I took advantage of the moment, and shared my appreciation out loud, explaining to him how patient he had been with that person and telling him I wish I had that ability.

I think it made him feel good. But weirdly, it made me feel good, too. And it made me actually like him a little more. I won't say it's changed everything I feel about that guy, but it's gone a long way in helping my own patience with him grow.

Interestingly, I ran across a great article on the website "The Art of Manliness" (Yeah, I know, I am a chick, but sometimes that site has cool stuff!). It's an extensive look at the art of complimenting. A great read if you a have a few minutes for personal development. Too Seldom Heard an Encouraging Word: Why and How to Offer More Compliments.

What if we all tried to look for opportunities to offer more compliments? What a small simple thing to do, but what incredible implications it could have for making our own corners of the world a better place.

Hopes for the Year

I don't think I've ever made resolutions for a new year. I don't feel like I am good at follow through, so it has always seemed rather pointless to me. It seems to me like resolutions are made to be broken, so I  figure, "Why waste the energy thinking up and implementing it in the first place?"

That said, I read something from author/spiritualist/activist Shane Claiborne that really inspired me. He listed hopes and dreams for the year. But these weren't pipe dreams, they were real and practical, and rather than being about fixing some personal flaw, they were more about making the world a better place and living out what he believes. 

I liked it so much, I am adapting it and making it my own. If I accomplish something on this list, I will sometimes share it here. Some of these need to be done secretly or privately, so I won't share those. But where I can, I will share for my accountability and, I hope, your inspiration. Maybe this is more than I can accomplish, but even if I only get part of this accomplished, it will make the world a slightly better place, and me a better person, and that is all I can hope for for 2013.

Hopes and Dreams for 2013

Do for one person what I wish that I could do for everyone, but can’t. 

Practice resurrection. Make ugly things beautiful and bring dead things back to life. Help improve the neighborhoods I am involved with (West Central, Grant Beach with my church, and my own street, which is not part of an organized Neighborhood Assoc.). And make some cool stuff out of trash. Look for God in the unlikely places.

Interrupt death. Do something regularly to interrupt the patterns of violence, bullying, and other mean and ugly things. (Note, for S.C., his goal is to end the death penalty and fight against war, for me I think this will be more about combating sex trafficking in the U.S.)

Give more money away. And do it in a way that takes away the power of money and celebrates the power of love.

Write letters and notes to people, letting them know I am thankful for them. Write a note asking for forgiveness from someone I need to ask to forgive me.

Do something really nice – that no one sees or knows about.

Compliment someone I have a hard time complimenting… and mean it.

Pause before every potential crisis and ask: “Will this matter in 5 years?”

Get outdoors often. Enjoy things like fireflies and shooting stars. Point out the wonders of the outdoors to others. And regularly get my hands into the garden (So excited to be able to garden again, now that I have a house!!).

Learn a skill and use it for something redemptive. (This will probably be sewing, as I want to learn how to use my grandmother's sewing machine).

Rather than emphasizing the best of myself and finding the worst in others – let me work on the worst in myself and look for the best in others.

Be aware – and beware -- of blessings. Do something to abstain, fast, or delay gratification. And do something to indulge in a gift of God. Then do something to end inequality and move the world toward God’s dream for every person to have “this day our daily bread”. (Possibly also the trafficking work will come into play here, maybe also something with water filtration)

Believe in miracles. And live in a way that might necessitate one. (SOP the last few years! But something I don't want to get away from, because I never want to be so self-sufficient that I don't need to rely on God, I feel that is spiritually dangerous.)

Singleness and Holidays

I was asking a friend the other day about her new year's eve plans. Like me, she's single, and her response was, "I don't celebrate it, it's just another day." She's been invited to parties, but she doesn't want to go, because she's single, and the loneliness of her singlehood is highlighted in moments like that.

I have compassion and empathy for that idea... Holidays are a hard time to be single. It definitely puts a spotlight on your status, and can make it feel like a very lonely time. I've been there. I'm not anymore, and haven't been for some time. In fact, I stubbornly refuse to be sidelined at joyous occasions simply because, in the eyes of the world, I am alone. I'm thankful I have a circle of friends who are fairly mindful of single people, and are intentional about making room for them in their lives as couples.

I don't like it how the world defines happiness, I vehemently disagree with the premise that you can only be happy in a relationship. In fact, sometimes, that is completely UNtrue--some of the most miserable people I have seen are people who choose to stay in bad relationships, simply because they are afraid to be alone.

I think the truth is that you can't be truly "happy" unless you can be happy with yourself first. Sure, loneliness happens to everyone, we all need people. But there is something really great to be said for being able to enjoy your own company, too.

No one person can fulfill all my relational needs. I have different friends for different reasons... I like the list in "6 Friends Every Girl Needs," though I can probably think of a few additional categories. I think one of the most ill-informed, corny lines in a movie--EVER--is "You complete me." Hog wash! Malarkey! A relationship can only be healthy if the two people entering it are whole and healthy on their own. Truth be told, there are various aspects of my life that make me complete. At this stage of my life, a guy might enhance, augment, improve it. But he definitely would not complete me.

I didn't always have this outlook. For years I wrestled. I've prayed many times "God, if I can serve you better as a single person than I can as a married one, I will do it, I will submit my will to Yours. My heart really wants to find someone and get married, so please help me reconcile my desires with what you want for me." As I've grown older, I've not closed the door on the potential or the possibility. I've even been in love, been loved back, and come close to marriage (at least, I thought so at the time). But I've made peace with the fact that not everyone does get married, but that does not mean a fulfilling life cannot be had.

In fact, as Paul writes, single people can serve God in ways married people cannot, because we don't have to be concerned about pleasing not just God, but a significant other, too. For this reason, I try to take advantage of my singleness by blessing people with my time. I am well aware that I have availability more so than my married counterparts, so my use of my time becomes my ministry.

Finding this place of contentment/peace with who I am and where I am in my life has not come easily. It has been hard work--sometimes, REALLY hard. It means deliberately choosing my thoughts sometimes. It sometimes (depending on my frame of mind) means avoiding chick flicks and sappy love songs that make me start to feel discontentment. It means reaching out to friends when I need to talk or need company. It means dealing with the pressures and problems of  life on my own. It means tearfully kneeling before the Father and submitting my desires, over and over again. Sometimes it means embracing and and learning to sit with my pain and loneliness, and to avoid running from it. But those moments pass, and life as a whole is full and rich and incredibly beautiful.

So, tonight, I will gather with friends, almost all of whom will be "attached" in one form or another. And when midnight strikes, for a brief moment, as everyone around me ushers in 2012 with a smooch, I might be sad that there will be no kissing for me, and that 2013 begins with me as a single girl--still. But I'll hug the necks of the people around me, and be exceedingly grateful for all the blessings this year has brought, with hope in my heart for what is yet to come. That may or may not include a person to accompany me down the road, but even if it doesn't, it's been good year, and that makes for a good start.

Solid Ground--An Update

So, is anyone still there?

I know I disappeared for a while. Truth be told, disappearances like that are generally an accurate indicator of major things going on in my life that I don't feel free to write about out.. Turns out I am not so good at talking about stuff that doesn't matter when I am consumed by what is mattering to me at the moment.

But, the waters have calmed some, and I am happy to say I've actually been enjoying a modicum of stability *GASP!* SOLID GROUND has been FOUND!! I can happen to me!

Since my last postings, back in August:

I found a place and a roommate, rather by accident/divine appointment. So I moved again. But hopefully, it will stick this time, at least for a bit. It has turned out to be a lovely arrangement. I am a mile from work, and 2 miles from church, and since Thanksgiving I think I have only filled up my car's gas tank twice. Though no situation is without it's issues, so far, the issues are working out, and there is so much more that's been good than bad. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed unpacking boxes, some of which I had not seen the contents of in well over a year. It's been fun settling in, though I still can't remember where everything is, and I spend a lot of time opening cabinets trying to remember where I put that.... Then, just barely two weeks after moving....

I spent a month in NY! My mom retired after 25 years with the Dutchess County Dept. of Mental Hygiene. Dan threw a lovely party for her, and my family where all there. I stayed on and worked at a NY Starbucks via the "borrowed partner" program, and helped my mom clean out her house a little. Eventually we hope to see her move to Florida, and the process begins with getting the house in order. It was a little surreal, in that what I was doing was much like what people do when a person dies, but I got to have my mom with me. I heard lots of stories, and brought back to Missouri many of our family "heirlooms." It was a gift.

While I was home I also lived through Hurricane Sandy, and a nor'easter snow storm, saw some great old friends from childhood and my youth group days, spent time with my dad, and drove halfway across the country, twice. I hope I will retroactively blog about some of that, but suffice it to say, the time was full, and rich and I am so glad I got to do that.

When I came back from NY, the holidays were bearing down upon us, and it's been a flurry of activity, work, freelance, and a special new project I will blog about in the future (that one is a promise!).

And now another new year is almost upon us. I remember last year, a new year, not knowing what it would hold, or what my life would look like, so much uncertainty and stress for me. And now, a year later, so, so, so, soooooo much is different. Virtually every aspect of my life has changed, and mostly, for the better. I am so thankful, so grateful. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I'm feeling parts of me coming back that I haven't felt in years. I laugh more. I sleep WAY better.I cook more. And, look! I'm even blogging again! Life is balancing a little.

Solid ground feels great.

Thank God.

In Summation...

I've been intentionally silent for a while now. I didn't forget to blog. I even have several drafts that I've written and then didn't publish. But life the last several weeks had so much to it that I couldn't really put it out there. I needed time to process and sift the feelings from the truths. It was all I could do on some days just to hold myself together, let alone put into words what has been happening. But some summations are perhaps in order. I hope to maybe develop these a bit further in posts, but in case you won't have time for those, or I don't get to them, here are the bullet points:

I applied for a promotion at work, and didn't get it. After working through the initial emotions of disappointment, and in the weeks since then, I have to be honest, I am glad I didn't get it. The extra money would have been nice, and I did have to mourn some daydreams of independent living and financial freedoms I had. But when it's all said and done, it's right. The timing, the added stress, the parts of it that are completely outside of my skill sets,the major culture shift at work, and the things going on in my personal life, all of it adds up to a girl who is relieved that she is not in the midst of training and starting a new position right now.

I'm still without a living situation. I'm looking for a situation still, have many feelers out, trying to find the right thing. I've started to wonder if the doors keep closing because I am looking in the wrong place or if it's just the wrong time. Honestly, it feels like the time is way overdue.

I said all my goodbyes. I wrote a post about the many goodbyes I was facing, and how historically bad  at goodbyes I've been. I ended up having several more goodbyes than I anticipated in that original post. And I have to tell you, there has been a 4-week period of pure YUCK at it relates to goodbye. I need to do a fuller post on this another time, but the short version is, all the goodbyes are finally over, and I feel like this time I can say I have no regrets. I said goodbye well and I managed not to blow up any friendships prematurely or hurt anyone along the way. I'm still working through how to be friends from far away with some of them, but if for some reason any of those friends and I lose touch and become little more than Facebook acquaintances, I know at least that there is no baggage. We did goodbye well. That is a major accomplishment, and I'm a little proud of it, I have to say.

It's all been shifting sand. You may notice a theme in the above as it regards events of my life these last two months. It's generally one of knocking on doors and them not opening, a sense of losing rather than gaining. There's a general feeling of instability to my life, one that's been present in some form or another for a good long while now, but seems to be really "in my face" at the moment. I said in another blog post, and again recently in a prayer gathering, I just feel like everything around me is shifting sand at the moment. It's a hard place to be in, and it feels like I've been here for oh, so very long. I crave, I long for some solid footings--for an end to all the changes and the lack of control it feels like I currently have over things happening in my life. But as I keep seeking, I am trying to remember that when all around is shifting sand, I find my footing on the firm foundation of God. About a month ago I posted Psalm 62. It remains the Scripture I am clinging to, particularly this part:

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; 
    my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge. 
Trust in him at all times, you people; 
    pour out your hearts to him, 
    for God is our refuge.

8 Day Random Challenge--DAY ONE

I desperately need to lighten up. This blog has been heavy and serious and I am sure you would like me to lighten up, too. SO I decided to do a blogging challenge to force me out of my introspection as of late. I chose the  8 DAY RANDOM CHALLENGE from "Heck Yeah Tumblr Challenges." Today's challenge is: 8 facts about yourself. So here we go!

1) I like hiking!

It's true. The beauty of Missouri, the amazing karst to be found here, and the relatively proximity of rural areas have afforded me lots of opportunity to spend time in the woods. Some of my favorite places to hike include Bennett Springs State Park, Compton Hollow, Dogwood Canyon, and Buesik State Park.

My first trip to HaHa Tonka 2006

But THE absolute BEST place is Ha Ha Tonka State Park. It has amazing karst features--sink holes, caves, a natural bridge, a spring, and even castle ruins! It also has a KILLER hill. But you feel amazing when you make it to the top. I go here a couple times of year with my hiking buddy, Mere. It's an easy drive about an hour and a half. It has a lot of trails of varying distance and ability levels. It's big enough that even when there are a lot of people there, you don't feel like its crowded, you can still have space to yourself. In the fall, it is alive with color. I have even gone by myself a couple times.

2) I've never broken a bone--I don't think. 

I fell off a balance beam during the gymnastics rotation at school and I may possibly have broken a toe or two, but since they can't do anything to fix toes anyway, we never got it looked at. I just couldn't wear a shoe on my left foot for a while. My 4th toe has been crooked ever since.


3) My favorites always change--except people

If you ask me at different times what my favorite color, food, music, pastime, or anything else is, the answers are bound to be different. I go through phases, I love something for a while and then I get bored with it and move on. I sometimes find this annoying about myself, but it also makes me interesting, depending on how you look at it. The one thing that doesn't ever really change is/are my favorite people. I joke with some of them where or how high they rank on my list, but the reality is, there's not a list. It's just a group. Once someone becomes one of my favorite people, it would be almost impossible for me to rank them compared to the other favorites. I love them all for different reasons. But I am loyal to a fault, so once someone is a favorite, it is near impossible for them ever to not be a favorite. It would take something pretty ugly, but the people that I tend to pick as favorites aren't even capable of that. So, basically they are my favorites for life.

4) I have lots of odd certifications.

I spent 4 years working in disaster response and preparedness. This means I've learned a lot of things that would seem strange for a girl like me. I have a Amateur Radio (HAM) operator licence. I am a CERT team member (Community Emergency Response Team). 

Trying out my new gear before our Search and Rescue
 test for CERT certification

I have been trained in triage and search and rescue and fire suppression. I have a Tropical Meteorology certification from the Florida Governor's Hurricane Conference. I am trained in FEMA Incident Command Systems (ICS) 100 and 200, and though not official, I trained myself how to track storm systems and assess disaster threats including tornadoes, wildfires, ice storms, and mass power grid failures. I've written preparedness articles until it made me almost paranoid. I can tell you how to purify water, where to find alternative sources of water, how to start fires, what to pack in a preparedness kit, how to shelter in place, etc. I know a lot of cool stuff, but to most people it seems weird or paranoid.

5) I've had a lot of nicknames in my life, but....

Ju-Ju, Yuri, Yudi, Jude-eye, Jude, Judes, Hey Jude, Murph, Judster, Mother Goose, feel free to call me any of those, or make up a new one.... 

But never, never, ever call me Judith. 

Even if that is my real name.

6) Speaking of names, did you know I was named after the Catholic Saint Jude? 

My mother prayed to him before she was married for something important to her. She has never said what it was, but my dad suspects that had something to do with either meeting or reconciling with her father. She promised if he answered her prayer she would name her first born after him. Boom. Done. St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes and impossible situations. I kinda like that. It seems fitting for who I am. 

7) I like earrings, a lot.

Its kinda weird. But I love earrings. Big ones, especially. And colorful. Or dangly. I have about 50 pairs at any one time, but I buy cheap ones, because I they fall out and I lose them and so I don't want to invest a lot of money. So I usually don't pay more than $3 for any of them.

8) If I have to pick, I pick dogs.

Nothing against cats. I like cats. We've owned cats my whole life. But If forced to pick, I am team dog. Preferably, one that doesn't shed and likes to cuddle. The family I live with right now has a dog named Charlie. He's perfect. I would love to find a Charlie for me. Isn't he cute?

Tune in tomorrow for Day Two...7 Like and Dislikes.

Granite Strength and Safe Harbor

Sooooooo

The lovely cottage in the trees behind the mansion that I thought was to be my new home, it is not to be.

The dream was just a dream.

And I am oddly OK with it. Peaceful.

I was shaken at first. And really, really, reeeeeeally angry.

That passed quickly, thankfully.

But overall, I am not worried. Not stressed.

It's a miracle to me to be able to say that.

Ever since I went through burnout, stress has usually played havoc with my body. But last night, my sleep and my health were completely unaffected.

Maybe it's because already there has been so much upheaval that this is starting to feel like SOP. But I think it's just God's peace at work in my life right now.

I read this yesterday morning, and it came back to mind yesterday as my brain was trying to figure out what was going on what I should do next. Its The Message paraphrase of the psalm, and I've been reading it to get some fresh perspective on Scriptures I've read so many times. I love the straight-forward way it comes across.

PSALM 62

God, the one and only— I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I need comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.

How long will you gang up on me?
How long will you run with the bullies?
There's nothing to you, any of you—
rotten floorboards, worm-eaten rafters,
Anthills plotting to bring down mountains,
far gone in make-believe.
You talk a good line,
but every "blessing" breathes a curse.

God, the one and only—
I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I hope for comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.

My help and glory are in God
—granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be.

Man as such is smoke,
woman as such, a mirage.
Put them together, they're nothing;
two times nothing is nothing.

And a windfall, if it comes—
don't make too much of it.

God said this once and for all;
how many times
Have I heard it repeated?
"Strength comes
Straight from God."

Love to you, Lord God!
You pay a fair wage for a good day's work!

Life really has felt like shifting sand for me. The last two years especially have been nothing but change and problem solving, digging myself out of a hole that seems to keep finding new bottom depths.

It's only been relatively recent that my trust in Him was restored and my faith healed. I had stopped trusting that He was good, or safe. It's been just a short time that I've been able to believe God ss the granite under my feet rather than the one shifting the sand on me over and over again. This situation has been the first "test" of that restoration and healing. I'm relieved to find that it holds. The Anchor holds.

I don't know what's next. I don't know what the future has for me.
All I know is my strength comes straight from God--so I trust Him absolutely, He is a safe place to be.

So Many "So Long, Farewells"

I am terrible, horrible, no good, very bad with goodbyes. It's just plain awful.

Really.

I've had friends move out of my life a lot over these last 12 years in Springburgvegas. I've often said this town is not a place where people come to stay. It's where people go on their way to somewhere else.

This is a bad place to live when you have abandonment issues. Or, maybe it's the best place. What better way to overcome the worst fear you have then to have it in your face continually? One of two things is bound to happen. You'll run screaming for the hills, or you'll eventually face the fear.

The last time I really had to face it in a significant way I did it horribly bad. My insecurity and pain over losing people in my life caused me to hurt them badly, and push them away. I lost friends who I love still. We run into each other occasionally, and we're friends on FB, but it's never been the same.

After that, I declared never again. I went to counseling. I started facing my fears. I learned to be content with where I am and who I am. I learned I am worthy to be loved, and to know unconditional love--experienced it not just in my relationship with God, but lived it in the birth of my nephew. I learned to realize losing proximity doesn't have to mean losing relationship. I learned to be a better communicator, and to deal with expectations.

I've been more cautious than I used to be about letting people in, but I've done it.

And now...

Oh, this is the crucible. The big test. I am literally surrounded with goodbyes right now.

There's a couple, J& K, at my church, moving halfway across the country to do a church plant. They are dearly loved by the people at church and the happy-for-them/sad-to-say-goodbye feeling within the group is potent. Even I feel it, short a time as I've known them. I feel robbed that I haven't had more time to get to know them, because I can tell they are my kind of people. I truly enjoy them. We would have been great friends and ministry partners. Early on I told myself not get too close to them or spend much time getting to know them, because they were leaving. And then I kicked myself (Not literally, though I should have, maybe). Even the short time that I have to know them is worth the investment, and that distance doesn't mean I can still be friends.

There is a goodbye with the VV family. Dear friends who took me in this winter when my living situation got crazy. I love them like family. I (hopefully/likely) move into my own place in a couple weeks. There, too, since I started looking for a place in February, I began distancing myself from them in anticipation of the pain of leaving. Silly as it sounds I even did it to the dog, Charlie!! I used to let him out of his kennel so he could come hang out with me during the day when I was home. Then one day, I just stopped. Thankfully someone called me on it, and reminded me that relationships are always worth investing into. 

Ay-yi-yi-yi, talk about goodbyes! I have a whole host of goodbyes at work--4 of them, all within about 2 weeks of each other. So much change. The very culture of my workplace is likely to change, since one of those leaving is the store manager. I swallow a huge lump in my throat every time I think about it.

The worst and hardest goodbye is D, who has been one of my closest friends and confidants for the last year. Its stunning to me to discover just how much his friendship has come to mean to me over the last year. Losing the day-to-day connection with someone who really sees me--I really can't put it into words. Thankfully, I've had a few months to mentally prepare. There have been many moments when I am somewhat pragmatic and even peaceful about it. And most of the time I am so happy for and proud of him. But there have also been stunning moments where a wave of sadness or fear or pain comes so strong its hard to breathe. Maybe I'll be able to write more about that later, but right now, if I don't stop, these tears streaming down my face will flood this netbook.And soon D won't be here to help me fix stuff--one of his many talents.

Ironically, K, one of the church friends leaving, preached a sermon not that long ago about dealing with regrets. I really hope they put it online. I'd like to listen to it again and pass it on. There are very few things in my life that I regret. But the most prominent has been how I've handled goodbyes in the past. When K preached, I already knew about D leaving, and my own move, and even some potential for what was to come at work. I was so thankful that K spoke about her own regrets and the painful lessons she learned. What she reminded me is that I need to forgive myself, and accept God's forgiveness, for what I did badly in the past, and embrace God's strength to do it right.

And I want to. I so badly want to come out on the other side of all these goodbyes knowing that I've loved these people to the best and fullest of my ability. I want them to leave feeling nothing but thankful for the time we've had and the friends we've been to each other. I want to be brave and strong and, if not stoic, at least not an emotional hot mess. I want to turn the calendar to September and know that even though August was painful, that it wasn't the end of the world. I want to see new seasons where friendship doesn't die with distance, but instead takes on new dimensions.

So I choose.

In the middle of the night when I can't sleep, I choose to think about what I am thankful for, instead of what I am losing.

I choose to believe people aren't disappearing from my life for good, despite deep fears to the contrary.

I choose to smile in their presence and cry on the shoulders of people who are sticking around for at least a while longer.

I choose to invest into the many wonderful new friends who've entered my life as of late.

I choose not to build walls to protect myself.

I choose to confront my fear and speak truth to it.

I choose not to run, not to hide, and not to lash out.

I choose to dig into prayer and the Word and seek strength and healing from the Lord.

I let myself cry it out when I feel the sadness, but I choose not to indulge in self-pity.

I choose to make the most of every opportunity to spend time with and enjoy people I care about and not to shut them out.

I choose to find ways to love people even when miles separate. 

I choose to be intentional about my friends. The ones here and the ones there. Wherever there is. 

I choose to love with open hands rather than defiant, tightly closed fists.

The Tale of the Peach Plum Tree

There's so much I wish I could talk about, but can't. It makes blogging tough when you can't talk about what you're thinking about.

Instead, today I am going to share some pictures and thoughts about a tree.

Outside my back door next to the peacock pen is a happy little tree. It's not your ordinary leafy shade-giver. Long ago, a peach branch was grafted onto a plum tree and now the tree produces peaches on one side and plums on the other. It's a plum peach tree. Or a peach plum tree. I see every day as I back out of the driveway. It was glorious this spring to watch it bloom with two different flowers an with time, it came to have dozens of happy, dark purple, infant plums hanging from one side, and eager, fuzzy, green peaches on the other.

The summer has not been kind to that poor peach plum tree. A violent, windy thunderstorm, brief but mighty, bent the tree over nearly sideways in submission to it's brute force. Afterward, I noted with dismay all those pretty fruits lying on the ground. Remarkably, the peaches managed to hold on.


Around the same time, a famished swarm of Japanese Beetles came for lunch. The uninvited guests truly decimated the buffet table, but only to the plum side. When they were done, the plum side looked like this:

Sad indeed. The beetles left nothing but dry, brittle, latices and a few withered plums. for whatever reason, they, too, left the peach side of the tree unscathed. But, it seemed sure that it was only a matter of time before the tree succumbed to it's injuries and died. How could it survive without it's leaves? Surely this would be the end of the peach plum tree.

In the weeks following, the brutal 100+ degree temperatures and cloudless, raindrop-less skies seemed only to further secure the fate if the withered tree. Then, curiously, I noted a lone survivor plum which kept growing larger and larger. I couldn't imagine how that was possible, with no leaves to deliver capture the sunlight and turn it into nourishment, nor rain to quench it. It whispered to me of hope and encouragement. Despite trials, in the face of scarcity, when all seems lost, hope is still possible, it said. Every day I would think, Keep going, little guy. Hang in there!

One day the lone plum disappeared, I can only assume the work of a hungry critter bandit.
That'll do, plum, that'll do.

But then I noticed something quite remarkable. Do you see it?? 

New growth! Despite the tempest winds, the driving rain, the ravaging beetles, the punishing heat, the parching drought--new growth is still possible. The tree will live another day. She will experience the glorious robe of fall colors, it will wear the crystals of winter frost and snow, and in the spring, she will festoon herself with blossoms again. With all good fortune, she will share her bounty next summer with the VVs, and perhaps P and A will enjoy her fruit, juicy plumb juices running down their chin as they bite into the shiny purple skins.

But, should the punishing forces of mother nature do her worst, and the peach plumb tree should again suffer loss and pestilence, all is not lost, for the seasons change, time marches on, things which seemed lost and hopeless will grow new again.

Not being much of a horticulturalist, I am not well studied on the complexities of plant life, especially grafting, but I suspect the peach side of the tree played a significant role in all of this. I suspect the leaves and functions that were sustaining the peaches aided in the healing process of the plumb side of the tree. I suspect the peach side of the tree gave of herself to keep her Siamese twin alive, and in time, it allowed her to flourish again. It was not so much sacrificial as it was self-preservation, but truth is told in it still.

In our own times of scarcity and pain and loss, if we are grafted to the right thing, we can not only survive what comes our way, we will again flourish some day.

"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken. 

"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.  

"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples." (John 15:1-8, The Message)

Now, nearly on the other side of my own season of drought and scarcity and storms, I can relate to her. I have been the plum side of the tree. Such lessons I hold onto in my own current season of life. Thanks to the peach plumb tree.

The full tree, peaches on the left.

Through it all, the peaches have prospered.

This picture has nothing to do with the tree.. . but in this drought, I find it humorous that the only part of the yard which is green is directly over the septic tank. For what it's worth.

Gratitude for the Albatross

Today I conquered mountains!!!!

Well, Ok... not mountains. But all in one day I paid a traffic ticket, fixed an issue with my property tax and retrieved documents needed for registering the new car (not as easy as it sounded, having moved 6 times since the last time I registered a car), titled and registered said car, and arranged to sell old car tomorrow (well, today, I guess). Nothing like a day dealing with the governments to make you feel accomplished.

I even washed and vacuumed the car, because I actually have a car worth keeping up! I know these things probably seem pretty mundane. But if you could only feel the joy and relief I have over them!! Oh, it's glorious!!

I say it frequently if you are around me enough, car stress is my worst stress. I think there are many people like me who just feel intimidated by car issues. In good times, I feel intimidated just purely for the fact that I don't know anything about my car, and when stuff goes wrong I have to trust people (mechanics) who are legendary for not being so. But in recent years, with so much instability in my jobs and finances, it was magnified a hundredfold. 


My old car felt like such an albatross around my neck. It was always on the brink of something that was sure to upset the financial apple cart; not to mention that it couldn't pass inspection. The list of things wrong with it was getting comical: Horn that wouldn't stop honking; electrical short in the dashboard, causing components--odometer, tachometer, headlight indicator--to work only intermittently (less than 5% of the time); driver-side washer fluid jet missing and disabled; crack across windshield; one cylinder not firing (can you say 18mpg?); transmission leak; oil leak; tire issues; starter issues; brakes randomly going out; both side view mirrors busted... even the radio didn't work well. It was just one big, hot mess.


I drove it sans legal tags for well over a year. For about the last 6 months, it was just downright dangerous, with the brake issues.


And now....For the first time in at least 2 years, I have a car that worries me not an iota. Such a feeling of freedom!!! It's amazing!


I told a friend tonight that I've always been a little sad to give up my other cars, but not this one. I expected that tomorrow I would be skipping away from it with glee. Later, as I was gassing up my new car (at 31mpg, thankyouverymuch), I was thinking about what I said. That statement was not entirely true. While I am indeed relieved and happy to let the Cirrus go,  in hindsight, what I really feel about that car is gratitude.


Gratitude for 4 years, and over 50,000 miles. For the wonderful and dear coworkers and friends from Convoy of Hope and Central Assembly who conspired together to put that car in my hands in the first place. For road trips to Colorado and Illinois to see friends and loved ones and breathtaking beauty. For the countless hours of driving to Branson and back for work, up and down those arduous hills. For the many ways friends have helped and blessed me during times when the car was broken down, in the shop, on the brink....

Yes, it was the source of a great deal of strain, anxiety and financial woe. But I can't let that overshadow the fact that it has also been the source of great blessings at times, and some great memories, too. Tomorrow when I hand over those keys and that title, I may not be sad, but I will be grateful for what it was to me. And also grateful that I am walking away.