I was asking a friend the other day about her new year's eve plans. Like me, she's single, and her response was, "I don't celebrate it, it's just another day." She's been invited to parties, but she doesn't want to go, because she's single, and the loneliness of her singlehood is highlighted in moments like that.
I have compassion and empathy for that idea... Holidays are a hard time to be single. It definitely puts a spotlight on your status, and can make it feel like a very lonely time. I've been there. I'm not anymore, and haven't been for some time. In fact, I stubbornly refuse to be sidelined at joyous occasions simply because, in the eyes of the world, I am alone. I'm thankful I have a circle of friends who are fairly mindful of single people, and are intentional about making room for them in their lives as couples.
I don't like it how the world defines happiness, I vehemently disagree with the premise that you can only be happy in a relationship. In fact, sometimes, that is completely UNtrue--some of the most miserable people I have seen are people who choose to stay in bad relationships, simply because they are afraid to be alone.
I think the truth is that you can't be truly "happy" unless you can be happy with yourself first. Sure, loneliness happens to everyone, we all need people. But there is something really great to be said for being able to enjoy your own company, too.
No one person can fulfill all my relational needs. I have different friends for different reasons... I like the list in "6 Friends Every Girl Needs," though I can probably think of a few additional categories. I think one of the most ill-informed, corny lines in a movie--EVER--is "You complete me." Hog wash! Malarkey! A relationship can only be healthy if the two people entering it are whole and healthy on their own. Truth be told, there are various aspects of my life that make me complete. At this stage of my life, a guy might enhance, augment, improve it. But he definitely would not complete me.
I didn't always have this outlook. For years I wrestled. I've prayed many times "God, if I can serve you better as a single person than I can as a married one, I will do it, I will submit my will to Yours. My heart really wants to find someone and get married, so please help me reconcile my desires with what you want for me." As I've grown older, I've not closed the door on the potential or the possibility. I've even been in love, been loved back, and come close to marriage (at least, I thought so at the time). But I've made peace with the fact that not everyone does get married, but that does not mean a fulfilling life cannot be had.
In fact, as Paul writes, single people can serve God in ways married people cannot, because we don't have to be concerned about pleasing not just God, but a significant other, too. For this reason, I try to take advantage of my singleness by blessing people with my time. I am well aware that I have availability more so than my married counterparts, so my use of my time becomes my ministry.
Finding this place of contentment/peace with who I am and where I am in my life has not come easily. It has been hard work--sometimes, REALLY hard. It means deliberately choosing my thoughts sometimes. It sometimes (depending on my frame of mind) means avoiding chick flicks and sappy love songs that make me start to feel discontentment. It means reaching out to friends when I need to talk or need company. It means dealing with the pressures and problems of life on my own. It means tearfully kneeling before the Father and submitting my desires, over and over again. Sometimes it means embracing and and learning to sit with my pain and loneliness, and to avoid running from it. But those moments pass, and life as a whole is full and rich and incredibly beautiful.
So, tonight, I will gather with friends, almost all of whom will be "attached" in one form or another. And when midnight strikes, for a brief moment, as everyone around me ushers in 2012 with a smooch, I might be sad that there will be no kissing for me, and that 2013 begins with me as a single girl--still. But I'll hug the necks of the people around me, and be exceedingly grateful for all the blessings this year has brought, with hope in my heart for what is yet to come. That may or may not include a person to accompany me down the road, but even if it doesn't, it's been good year, and that makes for a good start.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Solid Ground--An Update
So, is anyone still there?
I know I disappeared for a while. Truth be told, disappearances like that are generally an accurate indicator of major things going on in my life that I don't feel free to write about out.. Turns out I am not so good at talking about stuff that doesn't matter when I am consumed by what is mattering to me at the moment.
But, the waters have calmed some, and I am happy to say I've actually been enjoying a modicum of stability *GASP!* SOLID GROUND has been FOUND!! I can happen to me!
Since my last postings, back in August:
I found a place and a roommate, rather by accident/divine appointment. So I moved again. But hopefully, it will stick this time, at least for a bit. It has turned out to be a lovely arrangement. I am a mile from work, and 2 miles from church, and since Thanksgiving I think I have only filled up my car's gas tank twice. Though no situation is without it's issues, so far, the issues are working out, and there is so much more that's been good than bad. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed unpacking boxes, some of which I had not seen the contents of in well over a year. It's been fun settling in, though I still can't remember where everything is, and I spend a lot of time opening cabinets trying to remember where I put that.... Then, just barely two weeks after moving....
I spent a month in NY! My mom retired after 25 years with the Dutchess County Dept. of Mental Hygiene. Dan threw a lovely party for her, and my family where all there. I stayed on and worked at a NY Starbucks via the "borrowed partner" program, and helped my mom clean out her house a little. Eventually we hope to see her move to Florida, and the process begins with getting the house in order. It was a little surreal, in that what I was doing was much like what people do when a person dies, but I got to have my mom with me. I heard lots of stories, and brought back to Missouri many of our family "heirlooms." It was a gift.
While I was home I also lived through Hurricane Sandy, and a nor'easter snow storm, saw some great old friends from childhood and my youth group days, spent time with my dad, and drove halfway across the country, twice. I hope I will retroactively blog about some of that, but suffice it to say, the time was full, and rich and I am so glad I got to do that.
When I came back from NY, the holidays were bearing down upon us, and it's been a flurry of activity, work, freelance, and a special new project I will blog about in the future (that one is a promise!).
And now another new year is almost upon us. I remember last year, a new year, not knowing what it would hold, or what my life would look like, so much uncertainty and stress for me. And now, a year later, so, so, so, soooooo much is different. Virtually every aspect of my life has changed, and mostly, for the better. I am so thankful, so grateful. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I'm feeling parts of me coming back that I haven't felt in years. I laugh more. I sleep WAY better.I cook more. And, look! I'm even blogging again! Life is balancing a little.
Solid ground feels great.
Thank God.
I know I disappeared for a while. Truth be told, disappearances like that are generally an accurate indicator of major things going on in my life that I don't feel free to write about out.. Turns out I am not so good at talking about stuff that doesn't matter when I am consumed by what is mattering to me at the moment.
But, the waters have calmed some, and I am happy to say I've actually been enjoying a modicum of stability *GASP!* SOLID GROUND has been FOUND!! I can happen to me!
Since my last postings, back in August:
I found a place and a roommate, rather by accident/divine appointment. So I moved again. But hopefully, it will stick this time, at least for a bit. It has turned out to be a lovely arrangement. I am a mile from work, and 2 miles from church, and since Thanksgiving I think I have only filled up my car's gas tank twice. Though no situation is without it's issues, so far, the issues are working out, and there is so much more that's been good than bad. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed unpacking boxes, some of which I had not seen the contents of in well over a year. It's been fun settling in, though I still can't remember where everything is, and I spend a lot of time opening cabinets trying to remember where I put that.... Then, just barely two weeks after moving....
I spent a month in NY! My mom retired after 25 years with the Dutchess County Dept. of Mental Hygiene. Dan threw a lovely party for her, and my family where all there. I stayed on and worked at a NY Starbucks via the "borrowed partner" program, and helped my mom clean out her house a little. Eventually we hope to see her move to Florida, and the process begins with getting the house in order. It was a little surreal, in that what I was doing was much like what people do when a person dies, but I got to have my mom with me. I heard lots of stories, and brought back to Missouri many of our family "heirlooms." It was a gift.
While I was home I also lived through Hurricane Sandy, and a nor'easter snow storm, saw some great old friends from childhood and my youth group days, spent time with my dad, and drove halfway across the country, twice. I hope I will retroactively blog about some of that, but suffice it to say, the time was full, and rich and I am so glad I got to do that.
When I came back from NY, the holidays were bearing down upon us, and it's been a flurry of activity, work, freelance, and a special new project I will blog about in the future (that one is a promise!).
And now another new year is almost upon us. I remember last year, a new year, not knowing what it would hold, or what my life would look like, so much uncertainty and stress for me. And now, a year later, so, so, so, soooooo much is different. Virtually every aspect of my life has changed, and mostly, for the better. I am so thankful, so grateful. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I'm feeling parts of me coming back that I haven't felt in years. I laugh more. I sleep WAY better.I cook more. And, look! I'm even blogging again! Life is balancing a little.
Solid ground feels great.
Thank God.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
In Summation...
I've been intentionally silent for a while now. I didn't forget to blog. I even have several drafts that I've written and then didn't publish. But life the last several weeks had so much to it that I couldn't really put it out there. I needed time to process and sift the feelings from the truths. It was all I could do on some days just to hold myself together, let alone put into words what has been happening. But some summations are perhaps in order. I hope to maybe develop these a bit further in posts, but in case you won't have time for those, or I don't get to them, here are the bullet points:
I applied for a promotion at work, and didn't get it. After working through the initial emotions of disappointment, and in the weeks since then, I have to be honest, I am glad I didn't get it. The extra money would have been nice, and I did have to mourn some daydreams of independent living and financial freedoms I had. But when it's all said and done, it's right. The timing, the added stress, the parts of it that are completely outside of my skill sets,the major culture shift at work, and the things going on in my personal life, all of it adds up to a girl who is relieved that she is not in the midst of training and starting a new position right now.
I'm still without a living situation. I'm looking for a situation still, have many feelers out, trying to find the right thing. I've started to wonder if the doors keep closing because I am looking in the wrong place or if it's just the wrong time. Honestly, it feels like the time is way overdue.
I said all my goodbyes. I wrote a post about the many goodbyes I was facing, and how historically bad at goodbyes I've been. I ended up having several more goodbyes than I anticipated in that original post. And I have to tell you, there has been a 4-week period of pure YUCK at it relates to goodbye. I need to do a fuller post on this another time, but the short version is, all the goodbyes are finally over, and I feel like this time I can say I have no regrets. I said goodbye well and I managed not to blow up any friendships prematurely or hurt anyone along the way. I'm still working through how to be friends from far away with some of them, but if for some reason any of those friends and I lose touch and become little more than Facebook acquaintances, I know at least that there is no baggage. We did goodbye well. That is a major accomplishment, and I'm a little proud of it, I have to say.
It's all been shifting sand. You may notice a theme in the above as it regards events of my life these last two months. It's generally one of knocking on doors and them not opening, a sense of losing rather than gaining. There's a general feeling of instability to my life, one that's been present in some form or another for a good long while now, but seems to be really "in my face" at the moment. I said in another blog post, and again recently in a prayer gathering, I just feel like everything around me is shifting sand at the moment. It's a hard place to be in, and it feels like I've been here for oh, so very long. I crave, I long for some solid footings--for an end to all the changes and the lack of control it feels like I currently have over things happening in my life. But as I keep seeking, I am trying to remember that when all around is shifting sand, I find my footing on the firm foundation of God. About a month ago I posted Psalm 62. It remains the Scripture I am clinging to, particularly this part:
Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
8 Day Random Challenge--DAY ONE
I desperately need to lighten up. This blog has been heavy and serious and I am sure you would like me to lighten up, too. SO I decided to do a blogging challenge to force me out of my introspection as of late. I chose the 8 DAY RANDOM CHALLENGE from "Heck Yeah Tumblr Challenges." Today's challenge is: 8 facts about yourself. So here we go!
1) I like hiking!
It's true. The beauty of Missouri, the amazing karst to be found here, and the relatively proximity of rural areas have afforded me lots of opportunity to spend time in the woods. Some of my favorite places to hike include Bennett Springs State Park, Compton Hollow, Dogwood Canyon, and Buesik State Park.
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| My first trip to HaHa Tonka 2006 |
But THE absolute BEST place is Ha Ha Tonka State Park. It has amazing karst features--sink holes, caves, a natural bridge, a spring, and even castle ruins! It also has a KILLER hill. But you feel amazing when you make it to the top. I go here a couple times of year with my hiking buddy, Mere. It's an easy drive about an hour and a half. It has a lot of trails of varying distance and ability levels. It's big enough that even when there are a lot of people there, you don't feel like its crowded, you can still have space to yourself. In the fall, it is alive with color. I have even gone by myself a couple times.
2) I've never broken a bone--I don't think.
4) I have lots of odd certifications.
I spent 4 years working in disaster response and preparedness. This means I've learned a lot of things that would seem strange for a girl like me. I have a Amateur Radio (HAM) operator licence. I am a CERT team member (Community Emergency Response Team).
5) I've had a lot of nicknames in my life, but....
I fell off a balance beam during the gymnastics rotation at school and I may possibly have broken a toe or two, but since they can't do anything to fix toes anyway, we never got it looked at. I just couldn't wear a shoe on my left foot for a while. My 4th toe has been crooked ever since.
3) My favorites always change--except people
3) My favorites always change--except people
If you ask me at different times what my favorite color, food, music, pastime, or anything else is, the answers are bound to be different. I go through phases, I love something for a while and then I get bored with it and move on. I sometimes find this annoying about myself, but it also makes me interesting, depending on how you look at it. The one thing that doesn't ever really change is/are my favorite people. I joke with some of them where or how high they rank on my list, but the reality is, there's not a list. It's just a group. Once someone becomes one of my favorite people, it would be almost impossible for me to rank them compared to the other favorites. I love them all for different reasons. But I am loyal to a fault, so once someone is a favorite, it is near impossible for them ever to not be a favorite. It would take something pretty ugly, but the people that I tend to pick as favorites aren't even capable of that. So, basically they are my favorites for life.
4) I have lots of odd certifications.
I spent 4 years working in disaster response and preparedness. This means I've learned a lot of things that would seem strange for a girl like me. I have a Amateur Radio (HAM) operator licence. I am a CERT team member (Community Emergency Response Team).
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| Trying out my new gear before our Search and Rescue test for CERT certification |
I have been trained in triage and search and rescue and fire suppression. I have a Tropical Meteorology certification from the Florida Governor's Hurricane Conference. I am trained in FEMA Incident Command Systems (ICS) 100 and 200, and though not official, I trained myself how to track storm systems and assess disaster threats including tornadoes, wildfires, ice storms, and mass power grid failures. I've written preparedness articles until it made me almost paranoid. I can tell you how to purify water, where to find alternative sources of water, how to start fires, what to pack in a preparedness kit, how to shelter in place, etc. I know a lot of cool stuff, but to most people it seems weird or paranoid.
5) I've had a lot of nicknames in my life, but....
Ju-Ju, Yuri, Yudi, Jude-eye, Jude, Judes, Hey Jude, Murph, Judster, Mother Goose, feel free to call me any of those, or make up a new one....
But never, never, ever call me Judith.
Even if that is my real name.
6) Speaking of names, did you know I was named after the Catholic Saint Jude?
My mother prayed to him before she was married for something important to her. She has never said what it was, but my dad suspects that had something to do with either meeting or reconciling with her father. She promised if he answered her prayer she would name her first born after him. Boom. Done. St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes and impossible situations. I kinda like that. It seems fitting for who I am.
7) I like earrings, a lot.
Its kinda weird. But I love earrings. Big ones, especially. And colorful. Or dangly. I have about 50 pairs at any one time, but I buy cheap ones, because I they fall out and I lose them and so I don't want to invest a lot of money. So I usually don't pay more than $3 for any of them.
8) If I have to pick, I pick dogs.
Nothing against cats. I like cats. We've owned cats my whole life. But If forced to pick, I am team dog. Preferably, one that doesn't shed and likes to cuddle. The family I live with right now has a dog named Charlie. He's perfect. I would love to find a Charlie for me. Isn't he cute?
Tune in tomorrow for Day Two...7 Like and Dislikes.
Granite Strength and Safe Harbor
Sooooooo
The lovely cottage in the trees behind the mansion that I thought was to be my new home, it is not to be.
The dream was just a dream.
And I am oddly OK with it. Peaceful.
I was shaken at first. And really, really, reeeeeeally angry.
That passed quickly, thankfully.
But overall, I am not worried. Not stressed.
It's a miracle to me to be able to say that.
Ever since I went through burnout, stress has usually played havoc with my body. But last night, my sleep and my health were completely unaffected.
Maybe it's because already there has been so much upheaval that this is starting to feel like SOP. But I think it's just God's peace at work in my life right now.
I read this yesterday morning, and it came back to mind yesterday as my brain was trying to figure out what was going on what I should do next. Its The Message paraphrase of the psalm, and I've been reading it to get some fresh perspective on Scriptures I've read so many times. I love the straight-forward way it comes across.
Life really has felt like shifting sand for me. The last two years especially have been nothing but change and problem solving, digging myself out of a hole that seems to keep finding new bottom depths.
It's only been relatively recent that my trust in Him was restored and my faith healed. I had stopped trusting that He was good, or safe. It's been just a short time that I've been able to believe God ss the granite under my feet rather than the one shifting the sand on me over and over again. This situation has been the first "test" of that restoration and healing. I'm relieved to find that it holds. The Anchor holds.
I don't know what's next. I don't know what the future has for me.
All I know is my strength comes straight from God--so I trust Him absolutely, He is a safe place to be.
The lovely cottage in the trees behind the mansion that I thought was to be my new home, it is not to be.
The dream was just a dream.
And I am oddly OK with it. Peaceful.
I was shaken at first. And really, really, reeeeeeally angry.
That passed quickly, thankfully.
But overall, I am not worried. Not stressed.
It's a miracle to me to be able to say that.
Ever since I went through burnout, stress has usually played havoc with my body. But last night, my sleep and my health were completely unaffected.
Maybe it's because already there has been so much upheaval that this is starting to feel like SOP. But I think it's just God's peace at work in my life right now.
I read this yesterday morning, and it came back to mind yesterday as my brain was trying to figure out what was going on what I should do next. Its The Message paraphrase of the psalm, and I've been reading it to get some fresh perspective on Scriptures I've read so many times. I love the straight-forward way it comes across.
PSALM 62
God, the one and only— I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I need comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.
How long will you gang up on me?
How long will you run with the bullies?
There's nothing to you, any of you—
rotten floorboards, worm-eaten rafters,
Anthills plotting to bring down mountains,
far gone in make-believe.
You talk a good line,
but every "blessing" breathes a curse.
God, the one and only—
I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I hope for comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.
My help and glory are in God
—granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be.
Man as such is smoke,
woman as such, a mirage.
Put them together, they're nothing;
two times nothing is nothing.
And a windfall, if it comes—
don't make too much of it.
God said this once and for all;
how many times
Have I heard it repeated?
"Strength comes
Straight from God."
Love to you, Lord God!
You pay a fair wage for a good day's work!
Life really has felt like shifting sand for me. The last two years especially have been nothing but change and problem solving, digging myself out of a hole that seems to keep finding new bottom depths.
It's only been relatively recent that my trust in Him was restored and my faith healed. I had stopped trusting that He was good, or safe. It's been just a short time that I've been able to believe God ss the granite under my feet rather than the one shifting the sand on me over and over again. This situation has been the first "test" of that restoration and healing. I'm relieved to find that it holds. The Anchor holds.
I don't know what's next. I don't know what the future has for me.
All I know is my strength comes straight from God--so I trust Him absolutely, He is a safe place to be.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
So Many "So Long, Farewells"
I am terrible, horrible, no good, very bad with goodbyes. It's just plain awful.
Really.
I've had friends move out of my life a lot over these last 12 years in Springburgvegas. I've often said this town is not a place where people come to stay. It's where people go on their way to somewhere else.
This is a bad place to live when you have abandonment issues. Or, maybe it's the best place. What better way to overcome the worst fear you have then to have it in your face continually? One of two things is bound to happen. You'll run screaming for the hills, or you'll eventually face the fear.
The last time I really had to face it in a significant way I did it horribly bad. My insecurity and pain over losing people in my life caused me to hurt them badly, and push them away. I lost friends who I love still. We run into each other occasionally, and we're friends on FB, but it's never been the same.
After that, I declared never again. I went to counseling. I started facing my fears. I learned to be content with where I am and who I am. I learned I am worthy to be loved, and to know unconditional love--experienced it not just in my relationship with God, but lived it in the birth of my nephew. I learned to realize losing proximity doesn't have to mean losing relationship. I learned to be a better communicator, and to deal with expectations.
I've been more cautious than I used to be about letting people in, but I've done it.
And now...
Oh, this is the crucible. The big test. I am literally surrounded with goodbyes right now.
There's a couple, J& K, at my church, moving halfway across the country to do a church plant. They are dearly loved by the people at church and the happy-for-them/sad-to-say-goodbye feeling within the group is potent. Even I feel it, short a time as I've known them. I feel robbed that I haven't had more time to get to know them, because I can tell they are my kind of people. I truly enjoy them. We would have been great friends and ministry partners. Early on I told myself not get too close to them or spend much time getting to know them, because they were leaving. And then I kicked myself (Not literally, though I should have, maybe). Even the short time that I have to know them is worth the investment, and that distance doesn't mean I can still be friends.
There is a goodbye with the VV family. Dear friends who took me in this winter when my living situation got crazy. I love them like family. I (hopefully/likely) move into my own place in a couple weeks. There, too, since I started looking for a place in February, I began distancing myself from them in anticipation of the pain of leaving. Silly as it sounds I even did it to the dog, Charlie!! I used to let him out of his kennel so he could come hang out with me during the day when I was home. Then one day, I just stopped. Thankfully someone called me on it, and reminded me that relationships are always worth investing into.
Ay-yi-yi-yi, talk about goodbyes! I have a whole host of goodbyes at work--4 of them, all within about 2 weeks of each other. So much change. The very culture of my workplace is likely to change, since one of those leaving is the store manager. I swallow a huge lump in my throat every time I think about it.
The worst and hardest goodbye is D, who has been one of my closest friends and confidants for the last year. Its stunning to me to discover just how much his friendship has come to mean to me over the last year. Losing the day-to-day connection with someone who really sees me--I really can't put it into words. Thankfully, I've had a few months to mentally prepare. There have been many moments when I am somewhat pragmatic and even peaceful about it. And most of the time I am so happy for and proud of him. But there have also been stunning moments where a wave of sadness or fear or pain comes so strong its hard to breathe. Maybe I'll be able to write more about that later, but right now, if I don't stop, these tears streaming down my face will flood this netbook.And soon D won't be here to help me fix stuff--one of his many talents.
Ironically, K, one of the church friends leaving, preached a sermon not that long ago about dealing with regrets. I really hope they put it online. I'd like to listen to it again and pass it on. There are very few things in my life that I regret. But the most prominent has been how I've handled goodbyes in the past. When K preached, I already knew about D leaving, and my own move, and even some potential for what was to come at work. I was so thankful that K spoke about her own regrets and the painful lessons she learned. What she reminded me is that I need to forgive myself, and accept God's forgiveness, for what I did badly in the past, and embrace God's strength to do it right.
And I want to. I so badly want to come out on the other side of all these goodbyes knowing that I've loved these people to the best and fullest of my ability. I want them to leave feeling nothing but thankful for the time we've had and the friends we've been to each other. I want to be brave and strong and, if not stoic, at least not an emotional hot mess. I want to turn the calendar to September and know that even though August was painful, that it wasn't the end of the world. I want to see new seasons where friendship doesn't die with distance, but instead takes on new dimensions.
So I choose.
Really.
I've had friends move out of my life a lot over these last 12 years in Springburgvegas. I've often said this town is not a place where people come to stay. It's where people go on their way to somewhere else.
This is a bad place to live when you have abandonment issues. Or, maybe it's the best place. What better way to overcome the worst fear you have then to have it in your face continually? One of two things is bound to happen. You'll run screaming for the hills, or you'll eventually face the fear.
The last time I really had to face it in a significant way I did it horribly bad. My insecurity and pain over losing people in my life caused me to hurt them badly, and push them away. I lost friends who I love still. We run into each other occasionally, and we're friends on FB, but it's never been the same.
After that, I declared never again. I went to counseling. I started facing my fears. I learned to be content with where I am and who I am. I learned I am worthy to be loved, and to know unconditional love--experienced it not just in my relationship with God, but lived it in the birth of my nephew. I learned to realize losing proximity doesn't have to mean losing relationship. I learned to be a better communicator, and to deal with expectations.
I've been more cautious than I used to be about letting people in, but I've done it.
And now...
Oh, this is the crucible. The big test. I am literally surrounded with goodbyes right now.
There's a couple, J& K, at my church, moving halfway across the country to do a church plant. They are dearly loved by the people at church and the happy-for-them/sad-to-say-goodbye feeling within the group is potent. Even I feel it, short a time as I've known them. I feel robbed that I haven't had more time to get to know them, because I can tell they are my kind of people. I truly enjoy them. We would have been great friends and ministry partners. Early on I told myself not get too close to them or spend much time getting to know them, because they were leaving. And then I kicked myself (Not literally, though I should have, maybe). Even the short time that I have to know them is worth the investment, and that distance doesn't mean I can still be friends.
There is a goodbye with the VV family. Dear friends who took me in this winter when my living situation got crazy. I love them like family. I (hopefully/likely) move into my own place in a couple weeks. There, too, since I started looking for a place in February, I began distancing myself from them in anticipation of the pain of leaving. Silly as it sounds I even did it to the dog, Charlie!! I used to let him out of his kennel so he could come hang out with me during the day when I was home. Then one day, I just stopped. Thankfully someone called me on it, and reminded me that relationships are always worth investing into.
Ay-yi-yi-yi, talk about goodbyes! I have a whole host of goodbyes at work--4 of them, all within about 2 weeks of each other. So much change. The very culture of my workplace is likely to change, since one of those leaving is the store manager. I swallow a huge lump in my throat every time I think about it.
The worst and hardest goodbye is D, who has been one of my closest friends and confidants for the last year. Its stunning to me to discover just how much his friendship has come to mean to me over the last year. Losing the day-to-day connection with someone who really sees me--I really can't put it into words. Thankfully, I've had a few months to mentally prepare. There have been many moments when I am somewhat pragmatic and even peaceful about it. And most of the time I am so happy for and proud of him. But there have also been stunning moments where a wave of sadness or fear or pain comes so strong its hard to breathe. Maybe I'll be able to write more about that later, but right now, if I don't stop, these tears streaming down my face will flood this netbook.And soon D won't be here to help me fix stuff--one of his many talents.
Ironically, K, one of the church friends leaving, preached a sermon not that long ago about dealing with regrets. I really hope they put it online. I'd like to listen to it again and pass it on. There are very few things in my life that I regret. But the most prominent has been how I've handled goodbyes in the past. When K preached, I already knew about D leaving, and my own move, and even some potential for what was to come at work. I was so thankful that K spoke about her own regrets and the painful lessons she learned. What she reminded me is that I need to forgive myself, and accept God's forgiveness, for what I did badly in the past, and embrace God's strength to do it right.
And I want to. I so badly want to come out on the other side of all these goodbyes knowing that I've loved these people to the best and fullest of my ability. I want them to leave feeling nothing but thankful for the time we've had and the friends we've been to each other. I want to be brave and strong and, if not stoic, at least not an emotional hot mess. I want to turn the calendar to September and know that even though August was painful, that it wasn't the end of the world. I want to see new seasons where friendship doesn't die with distance, but instead takes on new dimensions.
So I choose.
In the middle of the night when I can't sleep, I choose to think about what I am thankful for, instead of what I am losing.
I choose to believe people aren't disappearing from my life for good, despite deep fears to the contrary.
I choose to smile in their presence and cry on the shoulders of people who are sticking around for at least a while longer.
I choose to invest into the many wonderful new friends who've entered my life as of late.
I choose not to build walls to protect myself.
I choose to confront my fear and speak truth to it.
I choose not to run, not to hide, and not to lash out.
I choose to dig into prayer and the Word and seek strength and healing from the Lord.
I let myself cry it out when I feel the sadness, but I choose not to indulge in self-pity.
I choose to make the most of every opportunity to spend time with and enjoy people I care about and not to shut them out.
I choose to find ways to love people even when miles separate.
I choose to be intentional about my friends. The ones here and the ones there. Wherever there is.
I choose to love with open hands rather than defiant, tightly closed fists.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The Tale of the Peach Plum Tree
There's so much I wish I could talk about, but can't. It makes blogging tough when you can't talk about what you're thinking about.
Instead, today I am going to share some pictures and thoughts about a tree.
Outside my back door next to the peacock pen is a happy little tree. It's not your ordinary leafy shade-giver. Long ago, a peach branch was grafted onto a plum tree and now the tree produces peaches on one side and plums on the other. It's a plum peach tree. Or a peach plum tree. I see every day as I back out of the driveway. It was glorious this spring to watch it bloom with two different flowers an with time, it came to have dozens of happy, dark purple, infant plums hanging from one side, and eager, fuzzy, green peaches on the other.
The summer has not been kind to that poor peach plum tree. A violent, windy thunderstorm, brief but mighty, bent the tree over nearly sideways in submission to it's brute force. Afterward, I noted with dismay all those pretty fruits lying on the ground. Remarkably, the peaches managed to hold on.
Around the same time, a famished swarm of Japanese Beetles came for lunch. The uninvited guests truly decimated the buffet table, but only to the plum side. When they were done, the plum side looked like this:
Sad indeed. The beetles left nothing but dry, brittle, latices and a few withered plums. for whatever reason, they, too, left the peach side of the tree unscathed. But, it seemed sure that it was only a matter of time before the tree succumbed to it's injuries and died. How could it survive without it's leaves? Surely this would be the end of the peach plum tree.
In the weeks following, the brutal 100+ degree temperatures and cloudless, raindrop-less skies seemed only to further secure the fate if the withered tree. Then, curiously, I noted a lone survivor plum which kept growing larger and larger. I couldn't imagine how that was possible, with no leaves to deliver capture the sunlight and turn it into nourishment, nor rain to quench it. It whispered to me of hope and encouragement. Despite trials, in the face of scarcity, when all seems lost, hope is still possible, it said. Every day I would think, Keep going, little guy. Hang in there!
One day the lone plum disappeared, I can only assume the work of a hungry critter bandit.
That'll do, plum, that'll do.
But then I noticed something quite remarkable. Do you see it??
New growth! Despite the tempest winds, the driving rain, the ravaging beetles, the punishing heat, the parching drought--new growth is still possible. The tree will live another day. She will experience the glorious robe of fall colors, it will wear the crystals of winter frost and snow, and in the spring, she will festoon herself with blossoms again. With all good fortune, she will share her bounty next summer with the VVs, and perhaps P and A will enjoy her fruit, juicy plumb juices running down their chin as they bite into the shiny purple skins.
But, should the punishing forces of mother nature do her worst, and the peach plumb tree should again suffer loss and pestilence, all is not lost, for the seasons change, time marches on, things which seemed lost and hopeless will grow new again.
Not being much of a horticulturalist, I am not well studied on the complexities of plant life, especially grafting, but I suspect the peach side of the tree played a significant role in all of this. I suspect the leaves and functions that were sustaining the peaches aided in the healing process of the plumb side of the tree. I suspect the peach side of the tree gave of herself to keep her Siamese twin alive, and in time, it allowed her to flourish again. It was not so much sacrificial as it was self-preservation, but truth is told in it still.
In our own times of scarcity and pain and loss, if we are grafted to the right thing, we can not only survive what comes our way, we will again flourish some day.
Now, nearly on the other side of my own season of drought and scarcity and storms, I can relate to her. I have been the plum side of the tree. Such lessons I hold onto in my own current season of life. Thanks to the peach plumb tree.
Instead, today I am going to share some pictures and thoughts about a tree.
Outside my back door next to the peacock pen is a happy little tree. It's not your ordinary leafy shade-giver. Long ago, a peach branch was grafted onto a plum tree and now the tree produces peaches on one side and plums on the other. It's a plum peach tree. Or a peach plum tree. I see every day as I back out of the driveway. It was glorious this spring to watch it bloom with two different flowers an with time, it came to have dozens of happy, dark purple, infant plums hanging from one side, and eager, fuzzy, green peaches on the other.
The summer has not been kind to that poor peach plum tree. A violent, windy thunderstorm, brief but mighty, bent the tree over nearly sideways in submission to it's brute force. Afterward, I noted with dismay all those pretty fruits lying on the ground. Remarkably, the peaches managed to hold on.
Around the same time, a famished swarm of Japanese Beetles came for lunch. The uninvited guests truly decimated the buffet table, but only to the plum side. When they were done, the plum side looked like this:
Sad indeed. The beetles left nothing but dry, brittle, latices and a few withered plums. for whatever reason, they, too, left the peach side of the tree unscathed. But, it seemed sure that it was only a matter of time before the tree succumbed to it's injuries and died. How could it survive without it's leaves? Surely this would be the end of the peach plum tree.
In the weeks following, the brutal 100+ degree temperatures and cloudless, raindrop-less skies seemed only to further secure the fate if the withered tree. Then, curiously, I noted a lone survivor plum which kept growing larger and larger. I couldn't imagine how that was possible, with no leaves to deliver capture the sunlight and turn it into nourishment, nor rain to quench it. It whispered to me of hope and encouragement. Despite trials, in the face of scarcity, when all seems lost, hope is still possible, it said. Every day I would think, Keep going, little guy. Hang in there!
One day the lone plum disappeared, I can only assume the work of a hungry critter bandit.
That'll do, plum, that'll do.
But then I noticed something quite remarkable. Do you see it??
New growth! Despite the tempest winds, the driving rain, the ravaging beetles, the punishing heat, the parching drought--new growth is still possible. The tree will live another day. She will experience the glorious robe of fall colors, it will wear the crystals of winter frost and snow, and in the spring, she will festoon herself with blossoms again. With all good fortune, she will share her bounty next summer with the VVs, and perhaps P and A will enjoy her fruit, juicy plumb juices running down their chin as they bite into the shiny purple skins.
But, should the punishing forces of mother nature do her worst, and the peach plumb tree should again suffer loss and pestilence, all is not lost, for the seasons change, time marches on, things which seemed lost and hopeless will grow new again.
Not being much of a horticulturalist, I am not well studied on the complexities of plant life, especially grafting, but I suspect the peach side of the tree played a significant role in all of this. I suspect the leaves and functions that were sustaining the peaches aided in the healing process of the plumb side of the tree. I suspect the peach side of the tree gave of herself to keep her Siamese twin alive, and in time, it allowed her to flourish again. It was not so much sacrificial as it was self-preservation, but truth is told in it still.
In our own times of scarcity and pain and loss, if we are grafted to the right thing, we can not only survive what comes our way, we will again flourish some day.
"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.
"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples." (John 15:1-8, The Message)
Now, nearly on the other side of my own season of drought and scarcity and storms, I can relate to her. I have been the plum side of the tree. Such lessons I hold onto in my own current season of life. Thanks to the peach plumb tree.
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| The full tree, peaches on the left. |
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| Through it all, the peaches have prospered. |
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| This picture has nothing to do with the tree.. . but in this drought, I find it humorous that the only part of the yard which is green is directly over the septic tank. For what it's worth. |
Friday, July 6, 2012
Gratitude for the Albatross
Today I conquered mountains!!!!
Well, Ok... not mountains. But all in one day I paid a traffic ticket, fixed an issue with my property tax and retrieved documents needed for registering the new car (not as easy as it sounded, having moved 6 times since the last time I registered a car), titled and registered said car, and arranged to sell old car tomorrow (well, today, I guess). Nothing like a day dealing with the governments to make you feel accomplished.
I even washed and vacuumed the car, because I actually have a car worth keeping up! I know these things probably seem pretty mundane. But if you could only feel the joy and relief I have over them!! Oh, it's glorious!!
I say it frequently if you are around me enough, car stress is my worst stress. I think there are many people like me who just feel intimidated by car issues. In good times, I feel intimidated just purely for the fact that I don't know anything about my car, and when stuff goes wrong I have to trust people (mechanics) who are legendary for not being so. But in recent years, with so much instability in my jobs and finances, it was magnified a hundredfold.
My old car felt like such an albatross around my neck. It was always on the brink of something that was sure to upset the financial apple cart; not to mention that it couldn't pass inspection. The list of things wrong with it was getting comical: Horn that wouldn't stop honking; electrical short in the dashboard, causing components--odometer, tachometer, headlight indicator--to work only intermittently (less than 5% of the time); driver-side washer fluid jet missing and disabled; crack across windshield; one cylinder not firing (can you say 18mpg?); transmission leak; oil leak; tire issues; starter issues; brakes randomly going out; both side view mirrors busted... even the radio didn't work well. It was just one big, hot mess.
I drove it sans legal tags for well over a year. For about the last 6 months, it was just downright dangerous, with the brake issues.
And now....For the first time in at least 2 years, I have a car that worries me not an iota. Such a feeling of freedom!!! It's amazing!
I told a friend tonight that I've always been a little sad to give up my other cars, but not this one. I expected that tomorrow I would be skipping away from it with glee. Later, as I was gassing up my new car (at 31mpg, thankyouverymuch), I was thinking about what I said. That statement was not entirely true. While I am indeed relieved and happy to let the Cirrus go, in hindsight, what I really feel about that car is gratitude.
Gratitude for 4 years, and over 50,000 miles. For the wonderful and dear coworkers and friends from Convoy of Hope and Central Assembly who conspired together to put that car in my hands in the first place. For road trips to Colorado and Illinois to see friends and loved ones and breathtaking beauty. For the countless hours of driving to Branson and back for work, up and down those arduous hills. For the many ways friends have helped and blessed me during times when the car was broken down, in the shop, on the brink....
Yes, it was the source of a great deal of strain, anxiety and financial woe. But I can't let that overshadow the fact that it has also been the source of great blessings at times, and some great memories, too. Tomorrow when I hand over those keys and that title, I may not be sad, but I will be grateful for what it was to me. And also grateful that I am walking away.
Well, Ok... not mountains. But all in one day I paid a traffic ticket, fixed an issue with my property tax and retrieved documents needed for registering the new car (not as easy as it sounded, having moved 6 times since the last time I registered a car), titled and registered said car, and arranged to sell old car tomorrow (well, today, I guess). Nothing like a day dealing with the governments to make you feel accomplished.
I even washed and vacuumed the car, because I actually have a car worth keeping up! I know these things probably seem pretty mundane. But if you could only feel the joy and relief I have over them!! Oh, it's glorious!!
I say it frequently if you are around me enough, car stress is my worst stress. I think there are many people like me who just feel intimidated by car issues. In good times, I feel intimidated just purely for the fact that I don't know anything about my car, and when stuff goes wrong I have to trust people (mechanics) who are legendary for not being so. But in recent years, with so much instability in my jobs and finances, it was magnified a hundredfold.
My old car felt like such an albatross around my neck. It was always on the brink of something that was sure to upset the financial apple cart; not to mention that it couldn't pass inspection. The list of things wrong with it was getting comical: Horn that wouldn't stop honking; electrical short in the dashboard, causing components--odometer, tachometer, headlight indicator--to work only intermittently (less than 5% of the time); driver-side washer fluid jet missing and disabled; crack across windshield; one cylinder not firing (can you say 18mpg?); transmission leak; oil leak; tire issues; starter issues; brakes randomly going out; both side view mirrors busted... even the radio didn't work well. It was just one big, hot mess.
I drove it sans legal tags for well over a year. For about the last 6 months, it was just downright dangerous, with the brake issues.
And now....For the first time in at least 2 years, I have a car that worries me not an iota. Such a feeling of freedom!!! It's amazing!
I told a friend tonight that I've always been a little sad to give up my other cars, but not this one. I expected that tomorrow I would be skipping away from it with glee. Later, as I was gassing up my new car (at 31mpg, thankyouverymuch), I was thinking about what I said. That statement was not entirely true. While I am indeed relieved and happy to let the Cirrus go, in hindsight, what I really feel about that car is gratitude.
Gratitude for 4 years, and over 50,000 miles. For the wonderful and dear coworkers and friends from Convoy of Hope and Central Assembly who conspired together to put that car in my hands in the first place. For road trips to Colorado and Illinois to see friends and loved ones and breathtaking beauty. For the countless hours of driving to Branson and back for work, up and down those arduous hills. For the many ways friends have helped and blessed me during times when the car was broken down, in the shop, on the brink....
Yes, it was the source of a great deal of strain, anxiety and financial woe. But I can't let that overshadow the fact that it has also been the source of great blessings at times, and some great memories, too. Tomorrow when I hand over those keys and that title, I may not be sad, but I will be grateful for what it was to me. And also grateful that I am walking away.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
My Own Mayberry
Yesterday Andy Griffith passed away. His show, The Andy Griffith Show, painted an idyllic image of small-town America in the 60's, a time often heralded as "a simpler time." Lots of people sigh wistfully, wishing life were like it was in Mayberry. Even songs have been written about it... This one has been in my head since I heard the news about AG:
I happen to have grown up in a time and place that was probably as close to Mayberry as you could get, sans Andy Griffith. It was really, really small. In fact, it was so small we didn't even have our own sheriff. We had a post office, a general store, a deli, a bar, a gas station, a restaurant, a library, an Ag Way Store, a pizza place and laundry mat, and that is about it. Neighbors really knew each other, and us kids didn't get away with much, because all the parents knew all the kids, and all the parents talked to each other.
But we had oodles of small-town charm. It practically oozed down our stop-lightless streets. At no time was it more evident than on the 4th of July. It started with our parade, where the VFW, the volunteer fire dept. marched or drove old cars or fire trucks, and kids joined with their bikes decorated with streamers and crepe paper. Together they all headed to the town recreation center, known simply as The Rec.
The Rec was a simple chlorinated stream-fed pondish-type thing, with a sandy patch on one side, and a wooden dock on the other for diving and jumping. When my mom was a kid visiting there in the summers from NY City, it was called "the swimming hole," and it didn't have the dock or the sand. In my day, ALL the kids in town hung out there. I don't remember a whole lot of people who actually had pools, so really, it was one of the few places to go swimming in the summer. I practically lived there in July and August. It was where I took swimming lessons, joined the swim team, took arts and crafts classes, had a crush on a life guard, earned my first stitches getting hit in the head with a swing. We built sand castles out of beach toys that my mom made out of empty milk jugs, laundry soap containers, and other plastic containers.
But on Independence Day, The Rec became a giant town party. In New York, schools don't let out until the last week of July, and Independence Day is the party that ushers in the official start of summer. Once the parade arrived, the festivities began. There was grilling and watermelon and sodas--a huge treat to us, since we didn't get soda at home. There were frog jumping contests, greased watermelon contests, egg tosses, three-legged races, a tug of war contest over the water, and horseshoe tournaments. All those bikes decorated for the parade entered a contest, too. When the sun went down, people would gather in the field between the Little League diamond and the town Library, behind the Grange Hall and the Ag-Way Store. The adults would visit, while kids ran around waving sparklers and popping bang snaps on any hard surface to be found.
Suddenly, BOOM! The sky would explode in colorful sparks as the (all volunteer) fire department launched fireworks from the other side of The Rec pond. After we had all sufficiently oohed and ahhed, us kids went to bed, but the adults would dance the night away under the open-air pavilion while a local band played.
I've since celebrated 4th of July lots of different ways and places: in backyards lighting our own fireworks, big pool parties with hundreds of people, I've seen fireworks in Los Angeles and next to the Washington Monument in Washington D.C., and giant festivals with rides and games and fireworks with synchronized music, but nothing has ever compared to Independence Day in my own Mayberry.
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| The deli across the street from my house |
But we had oodles of small-town charm. It practically oozed down our stop-lightless streets. At no time was it more evident than on the 4th of July. It started with our parade, where the VFW, the volunteer fire dept. marched or drove old cars or fire trucks, and kids joined with their bikes decorated with streamers and crepe paper. Together they all headed to the town recreation center, known simply as The Rec.
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| July 4th, 1987 at the Rec with my friend Rebecca Jayne |
But on Independence Day, The Rec became a giant town party. In New York, schools don't let out until the last week of July, and Independence Day is the party that ushers in the official start of summer. Once the parade arrived, the festivities began. There was grilling and watermelon and sodas--a huge treat to us, since we didn't get soda at home. There were frog jumping contests, greased watermelon contests, egg tosses, three-legged races, a tug of war contest over the water, and horseshoe tournaments. All those bikes decorated for the parade entered a contest, too. When the sun went down, people would gather in the field between the Little League diamond and the town Library, behind the Grange Hall and the Ag-Way Store. The adults would visit, while kids ran around waving sparklers and popping bang snaps on any hard surface to be found.
Suddenly, BOOM! The sky would explode in colorful sparks as the (all volunteer) fire department launched fireworks from the other side of The Rec pond. After we had all sufficiently oohed and ahhed, us kids went to bed, but the adults would dance the night away under the open-air pavilion while a local band played.
I've since celebrated 4th of July lots of different ways and places: in backyards lighting our own fireworks, big pool parties with hundreds of people, I've seen fireworks in Los Angeles and next to the Washington Monument in Washington D.C., and giant festivals with rides and games and fireworks with synchronized music, but nothing has ever compared to Independence Day in my own Mayberry.
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| That blue house on the left is the house I grew up in |
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| Elvin's General Store |
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Pushes and Put Offs
Today was that day where I got stuff done; little stuff that I always put off.
- Fixed the clog in the bathtub
- Dealt a death blow to the ant army in my living space
- Took a house-sitting job
- Cleaned out the refrigerator
- Packed up my winter clothes (I know. It's
June. July. I know.) - Bought a jug to make ice coffee in
- Figured out the right ratio of coffee/water for ice coffee in a pour-over filter
For some reason, taking care of the little stuff like that makes me feel more powerful. Did you hear me rawr just now? Well, I did. Just imagine it if you have to. It was pretty fierce.
There's some big things on my plate this week. I tend to procrastinate and stall on these bigger things. It's not so much laziness as it is being intimidated by stuff that I don't know, which when you boil it down to basics, is fear of the unknown. It makes me freeze up, so I habitually ignore stuff and push it out of my mind until I work up enough chutzpah to deal. I wish I didn't have that problem. I used to hate that about me. It can turn things into big messes. But it's as much a part of who I am as my curly hair and my way with words.
Turns out, the best way to get over that is to have people who know and push me past the fear.
Example.
A couple months ago, I had a ticket for my expired car tags. Really, it was a miracle that it had been my first one, since the tags were nearly a year overdue at that point (another thing I kept putting off... for a lot of reasons). But when the court date came around, I unexpectedly had to work and missed court. A bench warrant was issued. I didn't even know it at the time, but I was pretty close to being pulled over, which subsequently would have meant I would have been arrested. It was really, really close. So I told my BFF, L, about it. We kinda joked that she should keep her phone handy in case something happened and I needed to be bailed out. But I was scared to go to court, because I had no clue what would happen. So, I kept putting it off.
Example.
A couple months ago, I had a ticket for my expired car tags. Really, it was a miracle that it had been my first one, since the tags were nearly a year overdue at that point (another thing I kept putting off... for a lot of reasons). But when the court date came around, I unexpectedly had to work and missed court. A bench warrant was issued. I didn't even know it at the time, but I was pretty close to being pulled over, which subsequently would have meant I would have been arrested. It was really, really close. So I told my BFF, L, about it. We kinda joked that she should keep her phone handy in case something happened and I needed to be bailed out. But I was scared to go to court, because I had no clue what would happen. So, I kept putting it off.
Days later she texted me and basically said, "Today would be a great day for you to take care of that ticket. Having to keep my phone nearby at all times is stressing me out." So I did. I needed her push to get me past my fear of the unknown. It helped a ton to know that even if the worst happened, she'd be there to bail me out. In the end, it turned out to be seriously no big deal.
I paid a fine.
That's it.
The stress and worry I could have saved her and myself both!! Oy! When will a learn? But I did learn something from the experience.
I paid a fine.
That's it.
The stress and worry I could have saved her and myself both!! Oy! When will a learn? But I did learn something from the experience.
A few years ago, I'd never have told her about it. I would have hidden it, as I [unsuccessfully] hid[e] all my flaws. I certainly would never have blogged about it.. Flaws in my mind were something to be ashamed of, things to be hidden.
But as I come to accept myself, I've come to realize I can't fix the broken stuff if I don't acknowledge it's existence. I've also learned that people can still love me, even if I have flaws. L didn't think less of me because I was a fugitive from the law. She was willing to be the person to bail me out if needed, but my outlaw status didn't change how she saw me. But she also loved me enough to push me to fix what was in my power to fix, and was willing to be there to help me deal with the consequences, whatever those might be.
I need people in my life, people who love me, who accept me as I am and yet will push me to be better and do better. When I hide my flaws, I isolate myself from others. But when I openly acknowledge them, I am empowered to change them. It also emboldens others to be open out their own flaws and fears. But more than that, I need--we all need--grace-filled people who are there with us through it, and after it to pick up the pieces. That's the kind of friend I need, but more importantly, the kind of friend I want to be.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Verbal Van Goghs
Did you know I love Van Gogh? It's true. I have for years. I can stare at his paintings for hours, and not just the ones everyone likes, like Starry Night. Don't get me wrong, I do especially love that one. But he had so many great works, and Starry Night gets a lot more credit than the others do sometime.
But it turns out, Van Gogh could turn a phrase as beautifully as he could a paintbrush. I was astonished to learn this recently, when a friend posted a quote of his on Facebook. It was this:
"I often think that the night is more alive and richly colored than the day."
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| Starry Night Over The Rhone |
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| The Iris |
Though artist I may not be, it seems that VVG and I thought a lot a like in some ways, about nature, and beauty, and God, and life, and people, and love. Here are a few of the ones I felt most, brought to you by the fine folks at BrainyQuote.com:
As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.
But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things.
Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again.
The Little Stream
Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.
I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God's help I shall succeed.
I experience a period of frightening clarity in those moments when nature is so beautiful. I am no longer sure of myself, and the paintings appear as in a dream.
If one is master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at the same time, insight into and understanding of many things.
Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.
One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way.
One must work and dare if one really wants to live.
Poetry surrounds us everywhere, but putting it on paper is, alas, not so easy as looking at it.
The Sower
The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.
There is no blue without yellow and without orange.
The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.
When I have a terrible need of - shall I say the word - religion. Then I go out and paint the stars.
 |
| Starry Night |
For my part I know nothing with any certainty,
but the sight of the stars makes me dream.
I'm not sure how I've gone through life this long and not known this aspect of VVG. I'm feeling a little "ignant," and simultaneously awed and excited to discover more. I think VVG would know exactly what I mean.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Rumination on Roux
Last night the people I work with were talking about food, and since by coincidence, we all happen to work together again tonight, we decided to each make a dish and have a spontaneous potluck tonight.
So today I made my mac and cheese, with it's own strange ingredient--spicy brown mustard. (Don't knock it until you've tried it, because it's pretty awesome.)
Anyway, I have been somewhat introspective of late, and following that trend, my time at the stove today seemed like an object lesson.
The key to this mac and cheese, and probably most mac and cheese dishes, is the roux. Classically, roux is the mixture of butter (or other fats) and flour which becomes a thickening agent for sauces. In this particular mac and cheese, the roux also has the mustard. At first when you butter and flour stir, adding milk a little at a time, it doesn't seem like it should work. It doesn't appear to mix very well. It looks lumpy.and you have to constantly stir, to keep it from staying lumpy. It's not one of those things where you can throw the ingredients in a pot and walk away.
Then there is this magical moment when the right temperature is reached, the butter is melted, the flour incorporated, the mustard combines, and the mixture suddenly changes from separate ingredients spinning around together in the pot, to one cohesive roux. It is almost unexpected, you start to see the change, and then, voila! It's suddenly roux! Smooth, and consistent and ready for the cheese.
In my contempative state, I though of roux as metaphor for the patience I've been praying for. All the ingredients can spin together in the right spot. But it takes two things for everything to come together. I have to keep stirring--in this case that will be my metaphor for praying and seeking things out. I can't just throw it all in the pot and wait for it to work out. There is an element of work that I have to put in. Praying, seeking God, following His direction, trying doors of opportunity as I find them.
BUT....It's not all up to me, either. There is a bit of having to wait on God, for the moment to be the right moment. When all the components have reached the right conditions, it will suddenly fall into place. If it all depended on me and my abilities and resources, then first of all, it would all be a big mess, because unlike God, I can't see the beginning from the end. Plus, there's that whole human fallibility thing, we humans tend to screw things up when we rely on ourselves instead of Him. But because the situations I am waiting on need God's miracles, then when it does all come together, He will get the glory for it, and because He is all wisdom, it will be far better than anything I could come up with, anyway. I know I will look back on all of it and say, "Of course! It had to happen this way!" Maybe all the mess looks a little lumpy and impossible to me right now. But when conditions are right, voila! It will all fall into place.
I don't know. Maybe this is reaching. Maybe these lessons are a lot to draw from two cups of roux. But, I'm feeling encouraged today, and I'll take that where I can get it. If you found this post to be a bit cheesy for your taste, just wait until you try the mac and cheese.
PS... Friends on Facebook frequently post scriptures throughout the day... These where the ones posted today. Timely and encouraging, and part of what inspired today's post.
So today I made my mac and cheese, with it's own strange ingredient--spicy brown mustard. (Don't knock it until you've tried it, because it's pretty awesome.)
Anyway, I have been somewhat introspective of late, and following that trend, my time at the stove today seemed like an object lesson.
Then there is this magical moment when the right temperature is reached, the butter is melted, the flour incorporated, the mustard combines, and the mixture suddenly changes from separate ingredients spinning around together in the pot, to one cohesive roux. It is almost unexpected, you start to see the change, and then, voila! It's suddenly roux! Smooth, and consistent and ready for the cheese.
In my contempative state, I though of roux as metaphor for the patience I've been praying for. All the ingredients can spin together in the right spot. But it takes two things for everything to come together. I have to keep stirring--in this case that will be my metaphor for praying and seeking things out. I can't just throw it all in the pot and wait for it to work out. There is an element of work that I have to put in. Praying, seeking God, following His direction, trying doors of opportunity as I find them.
BUT....It's not all up to me, either. There is a bit of having to wait on God, for the moment to be the right moment. When all the components have reached the right conditions, it will suddenly fall into place. If it all depended on me and my abilities and resources, then first of all, it would all be a big mess, because unlike God, I can't see the beginning from the end. Plus, there's that whole human fallibility thing, we humans tend to screw things up when we rely on ourselves instead of Him. But because the situations I am waiting on need God's miracles, then when it does all come together, He will get the glory for it, and because He is all wisdom, it will be far better than anything I could come up with, anyway. I know I will look back on all of it and say, "Of course! It had to happen this way!" Maybe all the mess looks a little lumpy and impossible to me right now. But when conditions are right, voila! It will all fall into place.
I don't know. Maybe this is reaching. Maybe these lessons are a lot to draw from two cups of roux. But, I'm feeling encouraged today, and I'll take that where I can get it. If you found this post to be a bit cheesy for your taste, just wait until you try the mac and cheese.
 |
| Our Potluck Dinner At Work |
PS... Friends on Facebook frequently post scriptures throughout the day... These where the ones posted today. Timely and encouraging, and part of what inspired today's post.
Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD. http://bible.us/Ps27.14.NLT Read the whole Psalm. It's awesome.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jer 29:13
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:10-11 MSG
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Ps 42:11
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Drops
After a couple days off the interwebs, I've been doing a lot of reading and catching up on stuff I missed. I'm not in the mood today for a thoughtful post, but I thought I'd share a some of the interesting things I read today, in case any of it might interest someone else.
Good Bye, Nora Ephron. I'll always be especially grateful for You've Got Mail, but also, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, and others.
Extensive explanation of what tomorrow's Supreme Court ruling on Health Care will mean While the intended audience of this piece is for this is for journalists, in order to help them cover the story and all it's angles and ramifications, it's probably the most comprehensive and informative thing on the subject I've seen yet.
Speaking of journalism, there's an interesting piece on how "scandal stories" develop during slow-news cycles. I hope lots of newsmakers read this and think twice before they blow stuff up... (I'm looking at you, Nancy Grace).
Analyzing Egypt's election. Muslim Brotherhood party candidate won in a runoff. Why is that interesting? From the article:
Good grief! This article on the debate "Why Women Can't Have it All" is really, really long. I'm still not sure where I stand on all this.
It's not just how many calories you eat, it's what kind (shared by a church friend)
FB Changed your email address on your page, without you knowing it. Here's how to change it back. Bad Facebook.
Enough of the heavy stuff.... Here's something lighter that I enjoyed.
I'm Farming and I Grow It:
Extensive explanation of what tomorrow's Supreme Court ruling on Health Care will mean While the intended audience of this piece is for this is for journalists, in order to help them cover the story and all it's angles and ramifications, it's probably the most comprehensive and informative thing on the subject I've seen yet.
Speaking of journalism, there's an interesting piece on how "scandal stories" develop during slow-news cycles. I hope lots of newsmakers read this and think twice before they blow stuff up... (I'm looking at you, Nancy Grace).
Analyzing Egypt's election. Muslim Brotherhood party candidate won in a runoff. Why is that interesting? From the article:
Egypt's military leaders confirmed on Sunday that Mohamed Morsi of the once-outlawed Muslim Brotherhood had won the country's first competitive presidential election. Tens of thousands of Egyptians celebrated in Tahrir Square, with fireworks exploding overhead. Morsi, honoring a campaign promise, promptly resigned from the Brotherhood and called for unity....
Good grief! This article on the debate "Why Women Can't Have it All" is really, really long. I'm still not sure where I stand on all this.
It's not just how many calories you eat, it's what kind (shared by a church friend)
FB Changed your email address on your page, without you knowing it. Here's how to change it back. Bad Facebook.
Enough of the heavy stuff.... Here's something lighter that I enjoyed.
I'm Farming and I Grow It:
Heart Condition
I spent the last two and a half days unplugged from the computer, the phone, and from people in order to spend some time digging deep with God.
Astonishing and unexpected--God chose to work a miracle of healing, not of anything physical, but something I needed so much more. He restored my heart's ability to trust Him. For a good many years now I've wrestled with the tension between God's Sovereignty and the Bible's various teaching on prayer, healing, provision etc. I've never doubted God's ability to provide or help. But I have wrestled with the question, "Will He?"
There will be a much fuller post to develop that idea when I have had some time to process the last couple days.
But suffice it to say, when you spend several years unsure of the "if;" unsure if God will come through, if he will provide, if he will heal, it takes it's toll. Slowly, over time, as that question eroded my trust, I distanced myself from God in ways I wasn't even seeing. I could barely even be grateful for the blessings he was giving me, because I couldn't really trust they would be solid.
I found this song this weekend, while looking for another one. I'd post a video, but the only one I found was pretty silly and distracting from the song itself. So just read the lyrics instead:
That was me. Tired on the inside, feeling far away from God.
And that is the part of these last two days that was surprising, but wonderful. God has done something in my heart, and healed that broken place that didn't think I could trust Him. Now I know that he isn't just working for my ultimate good, he's also good here and now, even when I don't understand.
I didn't get what I came for. I still don't have direction, I have no clue what the future holds. But for now, that's OK. I cognitively have concerns of course, but my heart is at rest. I haven't been able to say that for so long. What I received was far superior, and so much more than anything I could have hoped for. Thank you, Lord.
"Silence is the room we create for the searching of God, where we hear His voice and follow." ~Mark Buchanan, Your God is Too SafeGod met me. I had hoped for direction and wisdom about the next steps I should be taking with my future. But the thing I forget about God is that he's much more concerned about the condition of my heart than he is about the externals. And so the time I had hoped would produce some kernels of direction for "outward" things like job, living space, finances was instead an internal renovation of my heart.
Astonishing and unexpected--God chose to work a miracle of healing, not of anything physical, but something I needed so much more. He restored my heart's ability to trust Him. For a good many years now I've wrestled with the tension between God's Sovereignty and the Bible's various teaching on prayer, healing, provision etc. I've never doubted God's ability to provide or help. But I have wrestled with the question, "Will He?"
There will be a much fuller post to develop that idea when I have had some time to process the last couple days.
But suffice it to say, when you spend several years unsure of the "if;" unsure if God will come through, if he will provide, if he will heal, it takes it's toll. Slowly, over time, as that question eroded my trust, I distanced myself from God in ways I wasn't even seeing. I could barely even be grateful for the blessings he was giving me, because I couldn't really trust they would be solid.
I found this song this weekend, while looking for another one. I'd post a video, but the only one I found was pretty silly and distracting from the song itself. So just read the lyrics instead:
Lord I fall so short
And I need Your grace
I feel so tired inside
I feel so far away
Desperately I seek
The love that pardons me
My lips will sing the praise
Of Your sacrifice for me
And grace, sweet grace
Though from You I have wandered
So far away
You pour on me Your shower of grace
So I look up to the sky
The world that You have made
I'll offer You my life
I'll offer You my praise
(And) I'll sing Hallelujah for You are
You are my saving grace
That was me. Tired on the inside, feeling far away from God.
And that is the part of these last two days that was surprising, but wonderful. God has done something in my heart, and healed that broken place that didn't think I could trust Him. Now I know that he isn't just working for my ultimate good, he's also good here and now, even when I don't understand.
I didn't get what I came for. I still don't have direction, I have no clue what the future holds. But for now, that's OK. I cognitively have concerns of course, but my heart is at rest. I haven't been able to say that for so long. What I received was far superior, and so much more than anything I could have hoped for. Thank you, Lord.
Let the morning bring word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Psalm 143:8
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